THE DREGULATOR VOL. VI #22: BURNT SCOFFERINGS

Fires, locusts, and the wholesale besmirching of character fouls the land. The heat begins to rise as the candidates vie for position.
Mitt Romney, for example, has been openly mocking Democratic candidate Barak Obama by persisting in “accidentally” calling him “Osama.”
And so, in anticipation of the primaries, the Dregulator would like to suggest that members of the DNC make it their business to “accidentally” refer to Mr. Romney as “Mitler.”
But none of it matters anymore. Any true American knows that it’s all over now that Chuck Norris has endorsed Mike Huckabee as the Republican presidential candidate. America is no longer a democracy, but a “Chucktatorship.” All non-Huckabees should all prepare to be fatally roundhouse-kicked in the electorate.
Norris, whose chief export is pain, released the following statement: “It’s time to quit choosing our leaders based solely upon charisma or one strong suite (sic).”
Hey, if it’s the Chuck Norris Suite, you know it’s strong. It’s probably got a conversation-pit full of live sharks, armed yakuza and burning cars.
Either that’s what Chuck meant, or his PR office is suffering from one of those new, deadly, untreatable staff infections.
Those aren’t the worst of the nasty rashes spreading around. FOX News recently suggested that the rampant wildfires in California may have been the result of an Al-Qaeda plot.
This is actually a step forward for the conservative fiction channel. They showed enormous restraint by not trying to pin the fires on Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, or suggest (as one conservative did during Hurricane Katrina) that God Himself smote California as retribution for its profligate homosexuality, or the countless abortions that the lonely, bored, horny, California housewives enjoyed so regularly.
God did, however, strike down the Communists trying to pass the children’s health care bill. What critically ill American child, after all, wouldn’t gladly see his working family plunge headlong into financial ruin, if it meant that another $46 billion could go toward bringing Democracy to Iraq? These are the sacrifices we must make during wartime.
I mean, it’s not like we can expect the billionaires on the Forbes 400 list to pay for everything.
Sure, the average Forbes 400 member has $3.8 billion to his name as a result of wise investments in hedge funds and private equity – while the poverty line, for the unambitious and otherwise morally corrupt, was set at an annual $10,294.
And sure, “Wealth is being distributed from poorer to richer,” said Holly Sklar of the McClatchy-Tribune News Service.
“Since 2000, we have added 184 billionaires, and 5 million more people living below the poverty line….In 2004, one of out six households had zero or negative net worth. Nearly one out of three households had less than $10,000 in net worth, including home equity. That’s before the mortgage crisis hit….
(Last year) the highest paid CEO made $647 million, and the average worker made $34,861, with vanishing health and pension coverage.”
Ms. Sklar went on to quote NYU Economics Professor Edward Wolff: “Between 1983 and 2004, the average wealth of the top 1 percent of households grew by 78 percent; the bottom 40 percent lost 59 percent.”
Nevertheless, this astonishing increase in capital hasn’t made these one- percenters any happier.
Take Barbra Streisand. Please.
Shelby Loosch of the Globe reports that Babs recently “threw one of her diva-like tantrums” at a deliveryman when he arrived at her home with some new telephones. “These are gray…..I wanted cream!” the ultra-chanteuse reportedly “wailed.”
Barbra then allegedly began to belabor the deliveryman with a treatise on how the offending telephones would never “match the rest of her décor,” a verbal conflagration that threatened to burn out of control, fueled by the hot internal winds from the singer’s legendary pipes, until finally brave husband James Brolin intervened. Brolin, wedging himself protectively between his legendary wife’s flawless beige fingernails and soft tissue areas of the delivery-boy, apologized for the inflammation of his Barbra, and gave the guy $20 to go away.
But sadly, this was not a big enough tip to save the deliveryman from the clutches of the tabloids.
Meanwhile, at least one one-percenter is giving back.
The National Enquirer reports that Paris Hilton will have cameras follow her around Rwanda for a proposed reality TV show called The Philanthropist.


The Enquirer expressed doubts as to her intent.
“In Paris’ case, it’s unclear whether she’s going to Africa to save her image or help bring attention to the underprivileged in Africa,” said the tabloid.
Referring to the camera crew that will follow Ms. Hilton to the African nation, Paris reportedly said, “I love having everything documented. It shows people what everyday life is like for me, how hard I work. There are a lot of misconceptions about me.”
Let’s hope the Rwandans she helps are already equipped with their own sharp, gleaming machetes. After all, she’s going to need to find some kind of reflective surface to apply mascara and do drugs off of.
What price is too high to pay for Democracy, fiends? Or, yea, to inflict democracy on others?
Democracy: It’s like Coca-Cola, only more genocidal.