“Iran speedboats ‘threatened suicide attack on US’ in Strait of Hormuz”
— London Times headlines, January 7, 2008

Craft Idea: Want to prevent a rerun of the Gulf of Tonkin off the coast of Iran? Just send Britney to the Strait of Hormuz and drop her on the Frigate USS Ingraham. Then there would be no shortage of photos and YouTube videos, and far less confusion about what’s going on over there.
New declassified documents reveal that the Johnson administration faked the Gulf of Tonkin incident (which gave us a juicy pretext for bombing North Vietnam). Britney, in the meantime, has been declared mentally ill by every major tabloid on the market, including People, Us, the Enquirer….hell, all of them – providing a pretext for paparazzo to trample her to death.
While all this was happening, the US lodged a formal diplomatic protest against Iran for the “provocation” in the Strait of Hormuz on January 6. The media, it seems, has obediently exaggerated this vague and skeevy “incident,” which may very well not have been an actual “incident” and has a distinctly Tonky taste of Gulf to it, particularly given the timing of our Israel-lovin’ President’s recent romp around the Middle East with intent to invigorate an extremely loose, skeptical and not very willing coalition of Arab states who might support future Iran-bashing.
National security political analyst Gareth Porter, author of “The Perils of Dominance: Imbalance of Power and the Road to War in Vietnam,” described the way this “provocation” played out in the media, to Democracy Now, as: “the most egregious case of sensationalist journalism in the service of the interests of the Pentagon (and) the Bush administration, that I have seen so far…. A very minor incident which did not threaten US ships, as far as we can tell…was turned into what was presented as a confrontation and a threat of war.”
It seems there were some Iranian speedboats that were allegedly menacing our heavily armed warships in the region. The Pentagon released a videotape of the “incident” with Tom Clancy-esque dialogue of a thick Iranian accent threatening a U.S. Naval officer with the spooky threat: “I am coming to you. …You will explode after a few minutes.”
Iran, however, released their own video of the event, which had completely different, boring, routine dialogue between ships in international waters.
Some question arose as to whether the audio threat had actually come from the Iranian speedboats shown on the video; hinky suspicions arose that the Pentagon might have played doctor with the audio. A Navy spokesperson did not assuage this hink by telling NBC , “I guess we’re not saying that it absolutely came from the boats, but we’re not saying it absolutely didn’t.”
The good news is that nobody seems to be buying the speedboat threat gambit, really. The bad news is it probably doesn’t matter – nobody really bought the Saddam Hussein/9-11 connection, either, but it still passes for a legitimate pretext for war in many depressing enclaves of America.
The President seems to be trying to sell the Iranian threat with the exact reason why there is significant doubt of an Iranian threat. According to USA Today:
“The president sought to unite the region against Iran by stressing that U.S. policy on Tehran had not changed despite a U.S. intelligence report that said Iran’s nuclear program was shelved in 2003. Israel disputed the intelligence report and refused to rule out military action…”
The “U.S. intelligence report” was actually a 2003 National Intelligence Estimate, that thing Mike “Baby Jesus” Huckabee was recently heckled for not knowing about…and one has to wonder if USA Today actually knows what they are, either.
But Britney has everyone frightened, even Rosie O’Donnell, who noticed that this smells an awful lot like other historical episodes of “Kill the Societal Whipping Blonde”:
“I remember the tunnel as it appeared on the news…Between the cement tall pillars was a heap of twisted metal… Diana dead….
…they chased her. A mob of stalkers for whom no stalking laws have been written. Smother. Crush. Flash. Photo Credit. ….
The tunnel is crowded now. There are only inches of separation between vulnerability and disaster.”
Solution: send Britney to the Gulf of Oman, for her safety and ours. Cameras will follow. She endorsed the Iraq war, after all; the least she could do for the military is lip-sych “Gimme More” for them.
The United States’ vital interest in uninterrupted access to Gulf oil should align itself with the United States’ prurient interest in uninterrupted access to Britney’s oily gulf. Two bad tastes that taste great together. Some things need more witnesses, some things need less.
Now that’s strategic coherence, fiends.