DREGULATOR VOL. VII # 19: RECRUDESCENCE OF CRUDS PAST

Welcome, Comrades, to the New American State of Loserville!
Hey, while we’re at it, welcome back to the Cold War!
I bet you thought that show was over. Hahaha, no. That was just a long intermission. Now that you have your popcorn and Jujubes and everyone has had a bathroom break, it’s time for life to start sucking again, the way it did in the 1950’s…only worse.
We never thought we’d see this happen again in our clueless American lives: wiley Russia, such a short spell after the Berlin Wall was hammered into tourist souvenirs, so newly enriched by the power of Western-style klepto-capitalism that they’d be emboldened enough to beat up and conquer their neighbor — i.e., civilized, democratic Georgia, who just a few months ago even had a fighting chance at being admitted to NATO.
Vlad Putin just shoulder-checked snot-nosed King George in the nightclub hallway of foreign policy thug-life. Well, George…don’t hate the player, hate the game. You tried to roll with the real pimps. Now your gull-wing Hummer has a broken window, one of those humiliating, undersize spare tires, and is stuck in the parking lot with a Denver Boot and full of sleeping homeless people, because nobody can afford to drive it anymore.
You can’t blame career gangstas like Putin (who isn’t Russia’s President anymore, um,*cough*) for stealing third base after noticing that our geopolitical monkey- thumbs were wedged firmly up our own backside.
We can’t complain: Invading a sovereign nation that hadn’t provoked war is exactly what our President Cheney, aka Nosferatu the Genocidal Petro-Imperialist Vampire, did in Iraq. Big talk of some mysterious, shapeless retribution toward Russia is not only pointless, but idiotic and perhaps even needlessly dangerous — we just don’t have the economic, moral, or military authority to talk down to anyone anymore. More Texas style, rodeo-clown bluffery is only going to make powerful countries angry.
Not that anyone really cares in this White House, who apparently saw the American casualties of 9/11 as a nice starting point.
The remainder of our American lives will be under constant nuclear threat; we will have to learn how to shut up. That loose coalition of mutually interested global corporations known as the military industrial complex, and the greedy human slimeballs it directly enriches, simply believes that countless (and therefore uncounted, uncountable, and unaccounted for) civilian lives – are there to be sacrificed to their glory.
Hey, whatever: they’re foreign; they worship the wrong God. Why shouldn’t Halliburton be allowed to sate its libido with any less savagery and barbarism than say, Toltec King Mizcoatl? The Aztecs had no problem with child sacrifice. Blood offerings have been a vital ingredient of imperial enterprise since the dawn of tyranny.
When this administration was given the wheel of the big global car, they let everyone know as quickly as possible that your life is cheap and dispensable, and that our real National Defense Strategy isn’t actually about defense, but picking fights and generating arguments for the constant generation of new war machinery. America isn’t so much interested in protecting the constitution or the American way of life, but in bullying its way into the lawless outback Beyond Thunderdome to steal gasoline, and plunder whatever else those backward tribes have that looks shiny. Your individual needs as a citizen? Not a priority. Your quality of life? Not an issue. Your votes don’t count, because you’re poor and stupid (unless you’re just poor and stupid enough to be a Republican). It’s every sucker for himself; the boys at the top refuse to nurse hapless schoolchildren and the elderly at the federal teat anymore, because they’re too busy stealing everything they can lay their claws on, including the middle class. Hey: rich guys need more money. Polar bears and the ocean are collateral damage. Got a problem?
Get thee to Gitmo, domestic terrorist.
We can directly attribute Russia’s new confidence to our unnecessary and immoral war of choice in Iraq — which has hogtied and humiliated us exactly as Vietnam did (which is exactly what all the defense intellectuals who weren’t neoconservative ideological lunatics like Bill Kristol were tearing their hair out and shrieking long before the invasion).
Americans have never known what it’s like to losers, but it is the dawn of a new age. The Olympics (apart from the coddled professionals on our men’s swim team) are good practice for our new future as a B-rate nation.
On both the American male and female gymnastic teams, metaphors were abounding: half of the members were wounded and absent (American gymnasts Paul and Morgan Hamm, most notably). The leader of the girl’s gymnastic team cracked under the pressure, made horrible miscalculations and fell down at the outset of both of her routines, effectively crowbarring the rest of her teammates in the knees.
China’s gymnasts, however, were alarmingly perfect — particularly Chen Yibing, on the rings, who was almost transcendental in his execution of graceful, disciplined, artful moves that just a few short years ago were considered physically impossible.
Bullet trains, my fiends. China has them. They bring people to work in the cities from dying suburbs. But the petro-vampires aren’t done sucking your blood. They’re not rich enough yet. You’ll have to wait.