DREGULATOR VOL. VII # 15: VISUALIZE THEM ALL AT THE HAGUE

While “Furries” (persons possessing the unfortunate predilection of only being able to achieve their most ideal sexual satisfaction by dressing up in plush, anthropomorphic, animal mascot suits) have become so accepted as to be almost mainstream since they were “outed” in <em>Vanity Fair several years ago, “Infantalism” devotees — grown men and women who like to dress up like toddlers, role-play Disney movies, sit in oversize high-chairs, drink from nipple-bottles and have their diapers changed — are still forced to indulge their fantasies underground.Secrecy, of course, makes perversions fester and squeeze out into the culture in other inappropriate and perverse ways; and the infantile seems to have been leaking out all over, lately — from the population explosion of the Jolie-Pitt nation-state, to Washington’s enduring affection for worlds within worlds of make-believe.
Congress, for example, has been wearing their ‘angry eyes’ at Attorney General Mike Mukasey, while pretending to cite him for contempt of congress.But it’s OK – they’re not actually angry, and won’t mean anything unless congress starts exercising ‘inherent contempt’ — i.e. sending the Sergeant of Arms over to the homes of Mike Mukasey, Karl Rove, Harriet Miers, Alberto Gonzalesand all the other kids that used “executive privilege” to ignore their subpoenas — and pistol-whipping them into compliance.
Dana Milbank of the Washington Post wrote a droll piece about congress, and the way they put on a funny show of talking to Mr. Rove, who wore his Cloak of Invisibility during the ongoing flim-flam thingy about Valerie Plame Wilson.Karl didn’t actually show up for the hearing, because he is far too important, but he did send along a note from Fred Fielding, which apparently said something like, “Mr. Rove is on a tropical island.He ate all the FBI files and White House hard-drives with fava beans and a Virginia Chianti.You’ll never catch him alive, bwah hah ha ha ha ha.”
Our congress was so sporting, they took this kooky puppet show that used to be democracy all the way… and dove even further through the looking glass, by actually addressing their proceedings to an empty chair with Karl Rove’s name on it! According to Milbank, they actually scolded Rove’s chair…which is sort of like wagging your finger at him in effigy.  Ho ho! Ha ha!
You can get toy congressional subpoenas for the kids, now, in pink and light green and blue razzleberry.It’s sort of like going to one of those Wild West booths in an amusement park and putting on a black handlebar mustache and getting photographed behind bars with a gun that shoots a little flag that says “Bang!” Congressional subpoenas are fun now that they don’t mean anything anymore — sort of like twenty-dollar bills.
But if you’re a kid from nine to ninety who really thinks the rule of law is more fun than Silly Sand, there’s “Mr. Kucinich’s Fraktabulous Make-Believe Impeachment-Hearing,” which will be exactly like a real live impeachment hearing, if you use the power of imagination… and even like a real live dog and a pony show,if you bring your own dog, and a plastic Pegasus with a long, combable mane, and you drink enough sippy-cups brimming with Seagrams Gin n’ Juice to believe that the dogs and ponies actually do things after a while.
(But they won’t do things, really; you’ll just be drunk.)
Nancy Pelosi has assured Americans that nothing will happen as a result of articles of impeachment being brought to the judiciary committee. Silly Americans: the House won’t vote on impeachment.The hearings will focus on”general abuses of power”–“abuses” being different from actual “crimes,”in that they’re not actually impeachable offenses, at least in wacky wiggly moon-man lawyer-talk. So everyone is going to enjoy themselves performing this bit of community theater, and afterward they’ll go out and eat banana splits with little paper American flags and sparklers all over them.
Finally, Vanity Fair’s Christopher Hitchens, play-acting at journalistic bravery, just like Geraldo Rivera, and went and got himself”waterboarded” so he could weigh in with the definitive statement about whether or not “waterboarding” is actually”torture.”You’ll all be relieved to know that Hitchins, who cleverly deduced earlier this year that women aren’t funny,has declared that, in fact, waterboarding is torture!He should know; he tried it twice (because he sort of wimped out too fast the first time and decided that he’d better try it again, and, you know,  really make sure it was torture). This is great news for our enemy combatants – because if whining, over-soft half-men like Christopher Hitchins can endure waterboarding, it really can’t be that bad.Waterboarding is probably going to be the next bungee-jumping.
Heck, they’ll probably have the Wii -version out next year.
And we’ll all stand in line for hours to buy it, won’t we, fiends; because it’s American.