DREGULATOR VOL. VI # 8: THREE NETWORK MONTY

THE DREGULATOR VOL. VI # 8
BY Cintra Wilson
“Too many of us now tend to worship self-indulgence and consumption. Human identity is no longer defined by what one does but by what one owns.”
Jimmy Carter’s infamous “Malaise” speech
Eeew! Check it out, y’all, the ruling class is all tumescent, shiny, and engorged with the blood of self indulgence!
No wait: don’t check that out. Check out other stuff !
LOOK!: At nasty old mangy old croaky Don Imus!
Fare thee well, Imus, you chicken-fried old cracker. Too bad you were too elderly and tone-deaf not to drive your microphone into that peckerwood tree….
Yes, Imus, We’ll be pouring a little Seagrams’s “Gin n’ Strange Fruit Juice” on the parquet floor for you every time one of the esteemed young ladies of college basketball slam-dunks another winner into Al Sharpton’s hair net. See you on the satellite, that strange little ghetto in space where Howard Stern lives.
Wait, there’s another job floating around in the classifieds, here: Hey, you could be War Czar! Seems the President is outsourcing the whole Commander-in-Chief thing. Interesting?
Speaking of Warlocks….
DON’T LOOK!: At Paul Wolfowitz.
Paulie Wolfowitz, age 63, rolls however he feels like rolling. He’s a playah! He’s mad promiscuous! First he dithered his parts into foreign policy with that hardcore Project for a New American Century, then he inserted himself into the intelligence-fixin’ crock pot, the Pentagon’s Office of Special Plans, now he stickin’ it up the World Bank, yo. He’s like the Brandon “Greasy Bear” Davis of unchecked geopolitical canoodling.
Paulie’s girlfriend, Shaha Riza, got re-assigned to the US State Department, with an “employment package” worth nearly 200,000 dollars…. given by (guess who?) the World Bank!
World Bank employees (read: Wolfowitz) are not supposed to “supervise” (read: siphon money off to) anyone with whom they have a personal (read: very personal) relationship. However, somehow, Wolfowitz’s girlfriend ended up landing a boondoggle of a salary even sweeter than Condi’s.
Why? Because Shaha Riza was Hungry Like A Wolfowitz, that’s why (Heavy panting: huh-uh-huh-uh-huh. Oh GOD Paul Wolfawitz, you Head of the World Bank, you. I am Hungry for you!)
Maybe they should offer Paulie “Greasy Hawk” Wolfowitz the appointment that I’ve always wanted: Porn Czar! Booyah.
Speaking of:
LOOK!: At creepy freaky baby-daddy Larry Birkhead!
Larry seems fully intent on honoring the wishes of the late Anna Nicole Smith, as related by “friends” of Ms. Smith to The Globe:
“[Anna] desperately wanted the vast fortune Dannielynn stands to inherit…to be used to mold the child into a major star like her lifelong idol, Marilyn Monroe.”
Italics: mine.
So basically: mold into topless model, then arrange marriages to rich guys, then death of overdose? No?
It gets worse, with even more italics:
“(Anna) wanted (Dannielynn) privately tutored, but just as importantly wanted her taught how to sing and act by the time she was 6 and for Howard and Dannielynn to move to LA when she turned 10 to launch her career….Her ultimate dream was for little Dannielynn to blossom into a full-fledged superstar by the time she turns 18 – someone who could have an Oscar or two in a trophy case and demand the respect poor Anna never got.”
“This is my child and I’m going to raise it,” proud Daddy Birkhead told a crowd of reporters, following the DNA results.
It should have a real nice upbringing. It seems well on the way towards demanding a big ol’ trophy case full of respect. It could be the best chrome pole dancer on American Idol ever.
First album:
They Called It Dannielynn.
Whatever you do:
DON’T LOOK!: at Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), Democratic Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee.
He’s been trying to find those danged e-mails concerning the White House firing of those eight federal prosecutors. The White House said…oopsie daisy! Our bad. They were on our RNC server, and, um, well….gosh…. they were Not Preserved.
Leahy wasn’t having it.
“You can’t erase e-mails, not today. They’ve gone through too many servers….That’s like saying the dog ate my homework. Those e-mails are there.”
And later: “I’ve got a teenage kid in my neighborhood that can go get ’em for them,”
Who shredded the e-mails? Fawn Hall? In the satellite with Howard Stern? With the candlestick?
My vote is that they were all fed directly to the new, acting White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, who looks like she would dutifully eat the hard drives of her administration….and like it. She seems game for anything. She looks like she speaks eight languages, runs 14 miles a day, plays classical violoncello, eats nothing but spelt, pennies and thumbtacks, does the splits in any direction, and excretes .600 Nitro caliber bullets on cue. She’s Joseph Goebbels in the body of a young Vannah White! She’s……..Bilderburger Barbie!
Tremble, mein Fiends….for the Days of Trash are upon us.