DREGULATOR VOL. VI. #20: U.S. MUST PULL OUT OF BRITNEY’S CROTCH


“Stop saying Iraq is another Vietnam: It’s another Enron…. and President Bush is Ken Lay. He’s fighting a war with phony accounting tricks. The Bush administration fudged the numbers to get us into Iraq, and cooked the books to keep us there. ‘The surge’ is simply another in a long series of inflated stock quotes.”

— Bill Maher, in the Huffington Post
Well, Fellow Broads, it’s official:
You thought the Supreme Court was the most immediate threat to your reproductive rights. But it seems that klepto-telecomopoly
Verizon – acting in a stern paternal role ordinarily filled by our fathers, husbands, Presidents and Pope — has now granted itself the moral authority to deny women the right to receive the pro-choice text message alerts that they signed up for.
Well, thank God our phone company is stepping in where our families, government and churches have failed. It is up to right-thinking corporate monopolies to impose ethical guidelines for bed-hopping American skanks, who are too selfish, high, or blonde to take into account the property values, occupancy rights issues and other vested, controlling public interests in their own vaginas.
Frankly, given Verizon’s inconsistent service issues, I had no idea their infrastructure ran so deep…. but perhaps this explains why so many of my calls get dropped whenever I am having an abortion.
(You should SO get credit for those.)
Apropos of dead babies….If a magical Aladdin-genie gave you a magic crystal Barry Bonds baseball, and unlike Barry Bonds, it told nothing but the truth, which big question would you ask to yield the most money in media exclusives?
A. Where is hapless toddler Madeline McCann?
B. Who will be Hilary’s Vice President?
Let us know.
In the meantime, the tabloids are begging – begging – for a new dead blonde, perferably Britney. They really, really need a new one, and they’ve been trying so hard to make Britney dead. “WILL BRITNEY DIE LIKE ANNA NICOLE?” a blaring red headline in the Globe asks hopefully. If Britney would only hurry up and expire, she could be like Anna Nicole and JonBenet and Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana all rolled up into one big tragic Louis Vuitton body bag, and oily black gushers of inexhaustible money would blast up out of supermarket lines everywhere, and fall upon us all like a dirty mist.
Sorry, Owen Wilson, you just don’t have the breasts for this gig.
(Hint hint: Britney needs a new bodyguard, since they always walk out and write a book after being asked to change her diapers one too many times.
How about one of the unemployed Blackwater guys? I mean, I’m not suggesting anything as immoral as an abortion here or anything. It’s not like Blackwater doesn’t understand that a few eggs have to be broken in order to make profits, right? Hey, a little strategic CLASSIFIED always allegedly worked for the Kennedys, after all. For that matter, the Royal Family was no slouch, either.
I’m not suggesting. )
But at least there was one other ‘Brit’ in history who was almost as popular a target as Ms. Spears:
The WEEK claimed that it was a “…good week for Orwellian paranoia after the admission by Britain’s MI5 security service that author George Orwell was under constant surveillance for at least a decade. Orwell, one agent noted, ‘dresses in bohemian fashion both at his office and in his leisure hours.'”
You know Orwell had to be being dressed by Hollywood stylist Rachel Zoe. I’m not saying she’s not actually 36 , like she claims. I’m just saying nobody else has ever gotten ‘Boho Chic’ noticed by so many cops.
Anyway: The war-drums are beating! The sabers are rattling! The rattlers are warbling! And the French are as bitchy as ever.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad botched his American Idol audition at Columbia University.
“We have to prepare for the worst, and the worst is war,” said French foreign minister Bernard Koucher, who took considerable points off of Ahmadinejad’s performance for choosing the wrong jingo.
Osama bin Laden, however, according to The WEEK, was sounding “pseudo-Marxist” :
“….telling Americans that we must liberate ourselves from ‘the shackles’ of capitalism, ‘warmongering corporations,’ ‘insane taxes,’ and burdensome credit card debt and mortgages.”
Evil! Evil! Evil!
But Bin Laden is still alive, we must presume, because he’s totally necessary to us. Hey, he’s the best villain we’ve had since the Soviet Union, or Hitler, or Dracula, or even Don Imus.
It’s about the box office, fiends. It’s about how much they can make us pay to be in the audience.