Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please turn off your cellphones. The incredible things you are about to read will stun and amaze you. You won’t believe your eyes. Hey, look over there! It’s Lindsay Lohan!
No? Oh, too bad. But look: Alberto Gonzales has disappeared!
There has been a lot of magical thinking this past fortnight, but not many successfully performed tricks.
Only Britney Spears really pulled one off. The National Enquirer ogled her entering a suite in The Tower Beverley Hills Hotel with Gothic “Mindfreak” Chriss Angel.
“Things got steamy rapidly with Britney ordering her bodyguards to pick up condoms at a nearby 7-Eleven,” an ‘Insider’ told the ‘Qui.
“(Britney) was fascinated by illusionist Chriss, who did conjuring tricks before they hit the bed.”
So that’s how he gets people to sleep with him. Conjuring tricks. Sleights-of-hand. Maybe he used that trick he did to the bellboy: the Vanishing Tip. Anyway, he made Britney’s concerns about her upcoming custody-battle royale disappear – for a few hours, anyway. At least until Chriss had to reload all his biker-rings with flash powder and take the dead doves out of his codpiece.
There were less successful attempts at prestidigitation. Adorable weirdo Owen Wilson, one of the smarter idols of the silver screen, apparently tried to make himself disappear, but thankfully got pulled offstage before the final curtain.
Utah Republican Senator Larry Craig, in typical Roy “Closet Cohn” style, tried to pull off a Vanishing Tip in various men’s rooms, then attempted to make his gayness disappear into the Closet of Mystery in order to better serve the homophobia of his constituents, and fight the scourge of pro-gay legislation.
Now, that’s just cowardly.
If Michael Vick can finally come out and apologize for murdering dogs, surely it is not an unreasonable request that our elected representatives possess the personal integrity to be at least as honest in their men’s room cruising habits as George “Father Figure” Michael or Sir Elton “The Bitch is Back” John.
Meanwhile, while we, the World’s Only Superpower, are still fighting a futile War on Gay, the “Third World” is cleaning our clocks in the race to advance and improve civilization: The Brazilian government is about to begin offering free sex-change operations to the transsexual population, which accounts for 0.001 percent of the Brazilian population.
Chastity Bono, however, will have to pay for hers, if she decides to go through with it.
“For as long as I can remember, Chastity as talked about being born in the wrong body,” a family ‘friend’ told the Enquirer.
Poor Chas. It must have been the trauma of having to wear all those sequined bodysuits as a child.
But the biggest news in vaudeville was that it was finally Bedtime for Gonzo. Quaint torture-monkey Alberto Gonzales danced his final hat dance for the President’s wheezing hurdy-gurdy.
El Abogado certainly would have been better off if he had run into Chriss Angel in a men’s room before his Senate Judiciary Committee performance. He really could have used a good tip from a successful, professional illusionist. Or a delusionist. Or better yet, a disillusionist. Anyway, repeated trips to the bathroom with the President certainly didn’t do him any good.
Maybe now that Fredo is going back to Texas, he can put his black cowboy hat back on, grow out his handlebar moustache, and get a new job. I hear the Village People are working cruise-lines again. Gonzo could be their evil Federale, like in Treasure of the Sierra Madre. He’s already been rehearsing, sort of:
Bogart: “If you’re the police, where are your badges?”
Bandito: “Badges!? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinking badges!!”

Alternately, Gonzales could dress like a pilgrim (the first illegal immigrants, after all), then torture and kill Philippe Rose, the Indian. That would be some must-see halftime entertainment on the Imperial Love Boat. Hell, get Vick to throw a couple of dogs in the mix, and we’ll call it Gitmo-a-Go-Go.
Well, that’s the entertainment we deserve for giving talentless Yale legacies absolute power.
On a more positive note, The Week reported that the Serbian village of Zitiste has “erected a statue of Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa in their hopes of changing their luck.” The “fighting spirit” of Rocky is intended to raise the morale of the inhabitants of Zitiste, who for years have suffered “farm diseases, monstrous murders, floods and landslides.”
Sounds like we could use a statue of Rocky in Hollywood, New Orleans and Washington DC, too……but nobody in Hollywood would understand the symbolism.
Pobrecito America. O’ Rocky, hear our prayers.