DREGULATOR VOL. IV # 11: DEM DEMS IS DEMNED

OK, it’s official: The Democrats are panty-waisted, snivelling, sissy-gut, eczematous, bedwetting, water-wing-wearing crybabies, who whine until snot rolls down their mustaches but hit like girls, and deserve to be dunked headfirst into toilets and forced to swallow live “pinkie” mice.
Gee Whiz, guys…..this is what you do with a majority? Are we going to need to call your parents? I’m sure there are plenty of other Americans out there who would love to have your responsibilities. You promised we could trust you with the American People, and look: You’re so boy crazy for those bad Administration boys, you follow them around like babies and let them pick on you. And now your Americans are running around in the middle of the street and getting killed by Iraqi insurgents.
I am very ashamed of you right now.
And while we’ve got our scold on:
You can’t play with Paris Hilton or American Idol anymore, either. Because they are cryptofascist tools of Orwellian propaganda, that’s why. Look: you may be only five years old, but you probably know that Paris is going to prison, and you know who this yodeling divot Jordin Sparks is…right?
But you wouldn’t recognize National Security Presidential Directive/NSPD 51 and Homeland Security Presidential Directive/HSPD-20 if they sat down next to you on the bus and started singing you a medley of Eagles hits.
Let’s introduce these playful guys.
These are Executive Orders that our Executive ordered himself, so he could Order himself to make ever larger Executive Orders. These Orders entrust our President with the entrusting of our President, in case of a “catastrophic emergency” (defined as “any incident, regardless of location, that results in extraordinary levels of mass casualties, damage, or disruption severely affecting the U.S. population, infrastructure, environment, economy, or government function”) with….get this….not just the Executive Branch of government (a job which most of us believe he has not been so hot at handling)…but with the ENTIRE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, as well. All of it. Entrusted to one man, by one man.
Him.
All those other, smarter guys? They won’t get to participate if “something bad” happens, – like, say, another Katrina, or another 9/11 or (insert your manmade disaster here, Bird Flu lovers… that Influenza of 1921 is still sitting on a Bunsen-burner somewhere…and that Polonium 210 stuff has definite possibilities…. ). But George Bush will officially dub himself Holy American Emperor and SuperPope 3000, and insure Liberty and Justice for Himself.
And there will be nothing anyone else can do about it.
OK, question: What incentive does the President have NOT to allow a large domestic “disaster” to happen? Just a thought. Don’t mean to be negative.
There is only one hope, as far as I can see it: The Globe, and its exclusive coverage of the “whorrible” Presidential divorce-cum-cheating-with-Condi scandal.
The soon-to-be-released book, “LUSTFUL UTTERANCES – Politics & BDSM, Part 1: Cohn to Bush 1981-1986” was written by Las Vegas dominatrix Leola McConnell, aka “Mistress Lee.”
McConnell operates behind the anonymity of the internet, “due to death threats she’s received.”
While few people claim to have ever seen her in person, internet photos show her as a “voluptuous, powerfully-built, middle-age woman with black waist length hair.”
But she is no ordinary dominatrix – she is also “politically savvy,” according to Globe sources.
Her list of “clients” included both Roy Cohn (the man playwright Tony Kushner referred to as “the polestar of human evil”) and “a former heavyweight in the Reagan White House.” As recently as 2006, Ms. McConnell threw her wig into the ring in an attempt to run for Governor of Nevada… but she failed to win the Democratic primary.
Anyway, she has some nasty dirt to dish about the President. According to a press release on May 1: “In 1984, I watched George W. Bush enthusiastically and expertly perform a (sexual) act on another.”
“Another Web site,” according to the Globe, reports that during Senate debates in Tennessee between Al Gore, Victor Ashe, and Ed McTeer, “The Las Vegas woman (McConnell) was paid $15,000 to arrange sexual liaisons for George W. Bush (then a private citizen).”
These affairs, allegedly involving “three encounters in three different cities,” included a “tryst in Chattanooga” with “an African-American woman…..(who) was paid $1500.”
An African-Amerian woman – hmmm. Who does THAT remind us of? Can’t remember. Breast or thigh, Madame Secretary?
If the President can arrange to have custom sex liaisons in Chattanooga, he can probably arrange to have another whatever-the-hell-that-thing-that-didn’t-look-like-a-plane fall on that section of the Pentagon that is exclusively inhabited by janitors, again.
Maybe I am just paranoid. But you know, I am a little concerned that the temptation to Have It All might be too great for someone with documented addiction issues. I’m just….you know….concerned.
That’s the Trash, Mein Fiends. It gets harder and harder to compact, and it is impossible to dispose of.