DREGULATOR, 2007 VOL. VI #7

It’s official: Americans are the most miserable people on earth.
Why? Apparently, because of food.
The World Health Organization and Harvard Medical School found that a whopping 9.6% of Americans suffer from depression or bipolar disorder. This means we beat out Lebanon, Mexico and — Olé! — even Nigeria, which, according to the Wall Street Journal had the lowest depression rate in the study. This is because, it was speculated, “when your life is a struggle for clean water and adequate food, you don’t have time for existential despair.”
Now the WHO knows what Nicole Richie has been trying to teach us, all along: starvation = happiness!
Thomas Robert Malthus would have loved anorexia.
He wrote:
“The power of population is so superior to the power of the earth to produce subsistence for man, that premature death must in some shape or other visit the human race. The vices of mankind are active and able ministers of depopulation.”
So: anorexia is great. But if we really want to go whole hog with Neo-Malthusianism, a return to cannibalism is in order. This is why the Dregulator is proud to introduce our new Celebrity Chef segment: Quality recipes that even the most harried homemaker can whip up with ease…provided they can get the celebrity to consensually agree to being eaten (Hey, it seems to work in Germany.)
TUCKER CARLSON BOSTON-STYLE BUTT ROAST – THE WHITEST WHITE MEAT
Wrap Carlson in chicken wire and drain for several days until drivel is clear. After removing necktie, gingham, and underarm glands, carefully remove head with giant tongs, and discard.
Cross-hatch loin by following seersucker striations. Bake. Cover with sliced pineapple, maraschino cherries, English Cumberland Sauce, marshmallows, cocktail umbrellas, and enshrine in aspic of lemon Jell-o. Then discard.
Because nobody should eat Tucker Carlson. There’s so much starch and bleach in him, he has no nutritive value whatsoever. America is depressed enough already.
Speaking of the Third Reich: The family of Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg – the German officer who mounted a plot to kill Hitler- expressed concerns about Valkyrie, the new Tom Cruise film about the would-be assassin.
Claus’ grandson, Count Caspar Schenk von Stauffenberg, released the statement: “I and other family members are worried that the picture will be financed by (Scientology) and be used to get across its propaganda.”
Well, Count, as Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi Minister of Propaganda, once said, “When I hear the word ‘culture,’ I reach for my revolver.”
The Dregulator recommends that when hearing ‘propaganda,’ you reach for your spatula. (Incidentally, the Stouffer’s Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg Stroganoff is supposed to be delicious, and will magically appear, steaming on a plate before your very eyes, if you can say it out loud, ten times fast.)
But seriously: there’s too much pork in everything.
The Senate passed their version of the House bill demanding a phased withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq. It included a grocery list of yummy treats for the welfare queens of agribusiness, including billions earmarked for sugar beets, sugar cane, Dairy Production, Ewe Lamb Replacement and Livestock Indemnity.
Sounds like they’re throwing a luau the size of the Sudan!
But no. It will probably just get veto’ed.
Anyway, if they did throw the luau, eating would just make Africa sad. Unless, perhaps, you threw in Paul Wolfowitz as an appetizer. .. but that wouldn’t be kosher.
Anyway, speaking of depressing Americans, the Dregulator continues to follow the Globe in its plucky coverage of Presidential DivorceWatch ’08.
“There is absolutely no love,” claimeth the Globe source. “George and Laura sleep in separate bedrooms, they dine alone and they live alone.”
Not everyone, however, seems unhappy with this arrangement:
“There’s just this sense that (Condoleezza Rice) is biding her time, just waiting to become the new Mrs. Bush…..Condi lights up when she’s around (the President). She talks about how tender and loving he is. She’s talking like a woman in love. It makes people uncomfortable.”
Too bad Bush isn’t a Mormon, like Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. If Romney wins the nomination …..he could have three First Ladies! Maybe more! Now, if that wouldn’t jack up the C-SPAN ratings, I just don’t know what would. Except maybe Rachael Ray both preparing and eating herself.
Or a Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead-Stern Christening, in which her many Dads honor the nautical tradition by propping the baby up in the church basin and hitting her with a champagne bottle.
And that’s the trash, Mein Fiends. Char-broiled bloody rare, like you like it.