DREGULATOR, 2007 VOL. VI #6

It’s official! Halliburton is going to build their own Neverland Ranch in Dubai! Let’s hope their Chief Executive, Dave Lesar, really does it up, Liberace-style
If I were his PR flak, I would have him hold a press-conference atop Dubai’s highest helipad. Lesar could ride in via crane, sitting inside a non-operational Lucite F-22. Once he “landed,” Lesar could spring out of the $339 million warfighter in a cloud of pink smoke, roll back the cape-like sleeves on his empress-chinchilla body armor, and reveal 8-karat blood diamond tennis-bracelets stacked up to each elbow. Then, he could blow kisses to his fans and supporters: “You bought these, America. Thank you……Oh, and by the way: nanny nanny nanny goat, Henry Waxman (D-Calif.), you jealous old pansy. House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform this.”
Then, as Lesar turned around, pulled down his Versace astronaut diaper and showed the cameras his strategically-placed new tattoos (“THUG LIFE” beside a portrait of Yosemite Sam), the Souza march would kick in, and topless Bollywood stars could carry out a large yellow cake shaped like the Straits of Hormuz, featuring two delicious marzipan representations of the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower and USS John C. Stennis, hand-sculpted by Rachael Ray. But not on top of the cake for any particular reason.
Just because the last time the US had two aircraft carriers in that region was in 2003, specifically for the Iraq invasion, doesn’t mean anything. They’re just a pretty, soft, decorative touch, over there next to Oman.
Anyway, after the cake, David Blaine could plummet to his death into a $60 barrel of OPEC crude, and DARPA (the Defense Advanced Research Project Agency) could make Heather Mills McCartney instantly grow her leg back. It would be great.
Halliburton seems to be paving the way for a bold new global economic model I like to call “Pinch & Jet,” but cooler heads seem to think the move doesn’t indicate any particular moonwalking away from their responsibilities.
“Lawyers who specialize in corporate litigation said that Halliburton, as a company run by US citizens and traded on the US stock exchanges, would still be subject to such laws as the Foreign Corrupt practices act and Sarbanes-Oxley,” said the Washington Post.
Well OK! We can still prosecute them….. provided we can waltz on over to the United Arab Emirates, navigate our way through the hookah-smoke and find them in that enormous hot-tub full of international sex workers.
That might be kind of a challenge, especially now, with all those federal prosecutors suddenly coming down with that fatal case of incompetence all at the same time.
But Halliburton is famous, and there’s nothing anyone can do about their behavior – they just roll that way. KBR is even having its own Beyoncé-type spinoff, because it is clearly the breakaway star of that sister-act, having received of 90% of Halliburton’s $6.1 billion- worth of Pentagon contracts for 2006 – suggesting KBR will either soon be in bed with either Jay-Z or Diddy.
Not that love is in bloom all over, this springtime. The Globe still insists –every week, practically — that the President’s marriage to Laura Bush is “finished.” She’s tried everything, they say.
The Globe claims that the President has hammered out a deal to bribe his unhappy First Lady with $10 million cash, and “a fully staffed, mansion-sized home in Texas….with no fewer than five bedrooms, five full bathrooms, a swimming pool and a room equipped with state-of-the-art equipment for movie viewing.” In return, Laura “will appear at George’s side at all the appropriate times for the remainder of his presidency” and will otherwise look inarguably First Wifey, that her husband might “avoid the humiliation he would suffer if Laura left him while he was still in office.”
This, the Globe source alleges, makes the President fear he would look “foolish to the rest of the world.”
(Cough. Snicker. Well, maybe he shouldn’t have left the men’s room with Iraq hanging out of his pants like that, then. Ahem. But hey, if it’s above the zipper it can’t be subpoenas, right? Buh-boom-boom, Tsssssh.)
And here’s the Freudian typo heard ‘round the Globe: “Laura thought that talking openly (to Larry King) would be a positive way to counter reports that her marriage is disintegrating, but it all went whorribly wrong.”
“Whorribly (sic)?”
Many Americans feel they deserve a mansion in Texas for not divorcing the President, at this point. Or better yet: a mansion in Dubai.
Or maybe Texas. Dubai is too close to Halliburton.
Anyway, the AP recently reported that Iran’s central bank issued a new banknote last week that includes a nuclear symbol: electrons flying around a nucleus, on a map of Iran.
Not that it means anything. They probably just meant it to look like they now have nationalized dry-cleaning, but picked the wrong clip-art.
That’s the trash, kids….the whorrible, whorrible trash.