DREGULATOR, 2007 VOL. VI #5

WWIII, THE TEXAS CHENEY-SLAW MASSACRE
It is a journalist’s job to help articulate the nation’s conscience in regards to current affairs, so our minds are not passively clipped into blockhead-topiary by the Powers-that-be.
With that in mind and Britney going down like the Shanghai Composite Index….Dig, if you will, the picture: Poland in 1939, when funny little incidents started spontaneously erupting along the German border, and the Nazis moved in to “protect” the German citizens.
“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it. The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth is the greatest enemy of the State.”
Joseph Goebbels, Nazi Minister of Propaganda
While most of the major news networks were quacking and flapping their flightless stumps over the Oscars, the Anna Nicole Smith trial, and the spearing of Britney:
Yoo-hoo! Hey kids, watch the Britney! Pay no attention to the middle east….Look at the icky, icky Britney! Eeeeww! That’s right.
. … some major, earth-shaking changes went down in crazy, tribal desert lands, far, far away.
For one, Titanic director James Cameron found Jesus, and it’s a damn good thing….just in time for WWIII: The Texas Cheney-slaw Massacre.
The Viceman and Co. are apparently declaring war on Iran all by themselves — a jam they can kick out whenever they damn well feel like it! — since Congress let its own power cord get kicked out of the wall during the orgiastic GOP-gravy days of Hammer De Lay and Duke Cunningham. Ah, well, boys will be boys.
According to that bone-tingling Seymour Hersh article in the New Yorker, we are cracking down on after Shi’ite militants (read: Hezbollah, and um, Iran) by indirectly funding Sunni militants (read: Saudi Arabia, and um, Al- Qaeda). Special Ops are already lurking around inside the Iranian border, doing Allah-knows-what. But they’re not, like, there to provoke an incident on the border or anything. Heck no. We’re not going to copy our friend Israel and rerun that “kidnapped soldier” routine or anything. No worries. Special Ops are probably just buying a few aluminum suitcases full of Russian counterfeit Patek Philippes to take home to the kids. Calm down, it’s no big deal.
Of course, some nabobs may suggest that sending Special Ops behind the Iranian border is sort of like hiring the Hells Angels to work security at Altamont, or hiring the Duke Lacrosse Team to babysit Tawanna Brawley, or hiring Howard K. Stern to babysit anyone connected to a multi-million dollar inheritance. But relax: everything is under control, exactly as it has been for the last six years. We have no idea how under control everything is.
Meanwhile, according to the Wall Street Journal, that wily Muscovite Vladimir Putin just “delivered more than $700 million worth of air-defense systems to help protect Iran’s nuclear enrichment and research sites from attack,” because, Vlad the
Impugner told al-Jazeera, “We don’t think Iran should feel itself encircled by enemies.”
Well, it’s a relief that someone is being neighborly, over there.
Brrr. Is it getting mighty cold on this planet, or is it just all the glaciers melting?
What can we do to prevent Darth Cheney from breathing down the neck of the whole world and freaking it out in such sinister and offensive fashion?
Well, nobody seems to know.
But Paris Hilton got her Bentley impounded, and might have her probation revoked, and might actually go to jail, which is awesome.
Perhaps Victoria Beckham should join the cast of The Simple Life, and then Paris, Nicole Richie, and Posh can get extraordinary-renditioned to a black site in Romania, where they can whine incessantly about how lame the CIA staff is, and how their waterboards aren’t Evian. Then we wouldn’t worry so much, because we’d be so-o-o-o-o hilariously distracted.
“It is the absolute right of the State to supervise the formation of public opinion.”
Joseph Goebbels, Nazi Minister of Propaganda
We’d be so obsessed by the nonstop breasts, bulimia, and acrylic-nail catfights, Cheney could pimp his Congress into a personal Reichstag, rip out all the boring institutional parts and replace it with a kick-ass sundeck, reflecting pond, and maximum-security detention facility! Just in time for Armageddon! What a way to welcome back the Warrior-Christ of the Apocalypse — provided He actually ascended bodily into Heaven and isn’t just a pile of dust in that ossuary on the Discovery Channel.
Ah, Bonny Prince Harry….. who knew your fashion-forward Gestapo uniform would be so trend-setting with the rest of the ruling class.
It’s a weird world, Mein Fiends. From Veni, vidi, vici to meth, methane, methadone.
In short, it’th a meth.