It was a fortnight of unprecedented violence and casualties for the Dregs of the Yellow Press.
It was like one of those hell-week hazings where they make you binge-pop methadone jello-shooters until you finally wake up in handcuffs with a dead hooker in your spinning Vegas hotel bed, Trimspa all over your astronaut diapers, and reporters from TMZ.com pulling black rubber things out of your suitcase that you’ve never seen before, except in Kim Kardashian videos.
Some say it was an overdose of schadenfreude, but it might have been all the tainted Peter Pan Peanut Butter we injected. In any case, it was a nasty blur of events that gave rise to a lethally dehumanizing cultural snark-infection that left many whimpering, Stop you guys, sheez, it’s not funny anymore.
The passing of Anna Nicole Smith brought to mind the etymology of the word “tragedy,” or the Greek “tragoidia,” which, according to Wikipedia.com, is a “portmanteau” of two Greek words: tragos, or, “the goat” — which is related to the word “gnaw”, and odia, meaning song. This apparently “explains a rare archaic translation” of the ancient Greek entertainment-industry term, tragoidia, as “goat-men sacrifice song,” ….and definitely explains today’s definition of “tragedy,” which seems to be, “a bunch of goat-men gnawing on a sacrificial member of the entertainment industry.”
The yellow press has established a new beachhead by planting their foot firmly up the late Ms. Smith, whose defiled corpse is being paraded through the streets so that those who are wholly without sin — namely Rita Cosby and Tucker Carlson – may cast the first of many stones. As if poor Anna Nicole wasn’t stoned enough in her short life, now she is virtually JonBenet and the OJ trial, all rolled up into one huge hail-orgy of public stoning that will continue until the end of recordable time….or until the paternity lawsuit gets straightened out, whichever comes first.
It is a free-fall lotto, at this point, as to the paternity of little Dannilynn Hopeless.
BetUS.com has revealed that photographer Larry Birkhead is the odds-on favorite, with a 1:2 chance that he is the baby’s father. Boyfriend at the time-of-death Howard K. Stern was given 6:4 odds – which is dismal, when one considers that his was the name on the official birth certificate; Smith’s bodyguard was a late entry for the race at a 10:1 shot at paternity. Interestingly enough, J. Howard Marshall, the dead tycoon-husband whose sperm Smith allegedly froze, comes in at 20:1. It is encouraging to know that even though he has been dead since 1995, his odds are better than that of Prince Frederic von Anhalt, 59-year-old husband of 90-year old Zsa Zsa Gabor, who claimed to have had a decade long affair with Smith. The bookies at BetUS.com gave the Prince a slender 40:1 shot ….. a real dis to the royal manhood, especially when you consider that the bookmakers figured Anna Nicole would sooner take the time and energy to defrost J.Howard’s ancient cryogenic nut-butter and undergo a complicated hospital procedure than fertilize the heir of Zsa Zsa’s sloppy-second, Eurotrash Kato Kaelin-like mate.
Tucker Carlson tried very hard to sort out all these complex nuances with his hydrocephalic, sexless WASP-insect mind, asking his fellow brownshirt Willie Geist,
“[Anna Nicole] wasn’t conscious for the last 15 years of her life. How did she manage to get in all these relationships?”
“Well, when you have 478 million dollars, men tend to overlook things like consciousness,” chuckled Geist, who is obviously a product of the same classy, royal lineage as Prince Frederic von Anhalt (who, incidentally, was adopted).
But one thing has become abundantly clear from this surfeit of calamity: As a society, we must come together to prevent Dannielynn Hope from being adopted by Ryan O’Neal.
In actual news, Rupert Murdoch thumped his schtick on the table at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, and brazenly admitted that his Fair and Balanced, bias-and -political-agenda-free, nonpartisan FOX News channel pulled a classic Noam Chomsky, wag-the-dog-style-consent-manufacturing for the War in Iraq. And the result of this bombshell admission: Yawn. Nobody cared.
Larry Birkhead: way more interesting.
But, since there is so much war-drum beating towards Iran, this probably means that the administration and its various mouthpieces will soon announce that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was not only directly responsible for 9/11, but is also directly responsible for the ongoing demise of Britney Spears.
For that is the Way of the Trash, mein Fiends. Don’t bother burning your draft card, it will find you wherever you go.