DREGULATOR, 2007 VOL. VI #1

To celebrate the 110th Congress being sworn in, maybe the 109th Congress should have a big garage sale, and get rid of all the filthy vinyl booths in Jack Abramoff’s K-Street restaurant, and all secret clown suits and basins of Kandy Korn Mark Foley had stashed around the district, and the wall-size Etch-A-Sketch Tom DeLay used to gerrymander Texas. Those are top-dollar items that could be used to reimburse the $67.1 billion in “earmarked,” fiscal-porky-pork-bun funds that Congress probably really lost on lapdancing and video blackjack, in 2006.
Those boys shouldn’t be too ashamed. All the best people in the dog house are selling their fancy old lives, these days. If the 109th pitched in, it could be a virtual Craigslist riot of bruised bustiers, Metro racks, Indian casinos, neglected Rollerblades, an unbuilt-but-fully-funded Alaskan “Bridge to Nowhere,” and “16 assorted Bobby Brown music awards,” according to Playfuls.com.
House Appropriations Committee Appropriator Randall “Duke” Cunningham could have pitched in, and given us the proceeds of his ill-gotten yacht, “The Dukester,” if only the American people were as on top of these things as a New Jersey storage facility.
Whitney Houston is having a garage sale (yay!) –in compliance with a court order (boo) – because she owes a New Jersey storage facility $200,000. She was having them keep, among other things, “a transparent piano estimated to be worth $300,000 to $400,000.”
Bobby, dammit, I told you I want the see-thru piano, so I know none of my enemies are hiding in it. Besides that, people want to see the back of my dress, especially when I am threatening the bass player.
Expectant mom Tori Spelling just fobbed off a bunch of her pre-pre-soiled Shabby Chic items on a skeptical LA, to great fanfare – which means there are that many more off-white armoires in circulation, if you keep your eyes peeled. Heck, one of them might even contain Candy Spelling.
Ms. Spelling was last seen pushing beloved pug dog Mimi La Rue around in a stroller, in lieu of actual child. And, speaking of purebred toy-breeds, Mary Kate Olsen weighs under 90 pounds again, which, since she is not anorexic, suggests a run-in with either Polonium 210, or Taco Bell.
Or maybe this is just a result of doctors successfully removing her conjoined Ashley.
Speaking of the Mommies and Daddies that make growing up in Hollywood super, The Enquirer’s Mike Walker reveals that Lindsay Lohan and mom-cum- entourage-barnacle Dina Lohan “now attend striptease and pole-dancing classes together at an LA aerobics studio.”
Well, thank God Dina is finally pitching in and helping to prepare her daughter for some kind of career. Oxycontin and anorexia are good for the early stages of a career, but the pole is never a bad idea. It’s like getting a law degree, even if you only use it to scare your husband.
Meanwhile, Nicole Kidman has performed a ‘HEALING MIRACLE,” according to the Enquirer. 8 –year-old Fatmata Boytah was suffering from “a paralyzing brain disease” at the Sydney Children’s Hospital, where Kidman was attending a charitable screening of “Happy Feet.” Boytah was unable to talk or move for a long time, but apparently all her medical issues fled when confronted with the A-list star power of Nicole Kidman.
The child, speaking before a packed hospital audience, declared “When I saw your face and knew it was really you – a miracle – I knew then I would walk and run again somehow. And look at me now!” [Child presumably walked, then ran, somehow.]
“The actress [Kidman],” wrote the ‘Qui, “was touched by the heartfelt experience.”
Take THAT, Tom Cruise. The Catholic Superpower of ex-whife NICOLE! Put THAT in your E-Meter and “audit” it!
I shan’t believe that L.Ron Hubbard is stronger than Jesus anymore until Tom either heals the lame or raises the dead. Maybe he could start his mission to outclass the Almighty by making J-Lo and Mark Anthony miraculously fertile. Just a suggestion. They are already hanging out with Tom and Kate, anyway, and obviously desperate to try almost anything (apart from sex, I guess).
Speaking of wholesome feminine role models and no sex whatsoever, ex-con Martha Stewart reportedly told Howard Stern that she had agreed to have lunch with some of the more “interesting” lesbian inmates bunking with her at the Alderson Federal Prison Camp. “There were girls with mustaches and beards. They shaved all the time.”
Which tangentially makes us wonder how Barbra Streisand would hold up, if she were incarcerated…because The ‘Qui said that Barbara “used to order flower petals scattered in [her] hotel toilet bowls.”
Which is a tall order, but then again, maybe she was just being clever and thrifty and washing her nylons in them.
But then again, if Barbra was ever dining with a bearded lady, you bet your ass it was Barry Gibb. And what would he be doing in a women’s correctional facility anyway?
“More Than A Woman,” I guess.
I always wondered what that meant.
And that’s quality Trash for $ale, fiends. Make an orderly queue.