DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #9

“TOM’S BRUTAL BEATINGS” grace the cover of the Globe, re: Mr. Cruise.
“PAULA ABDUL BRUTALLY BEATEN!” screameth the Enquirer.
“BRANGELINA’S NAMIBIAN NIGHTMARE!” howls the Star.
“BRITNEY’S BABY BRAIN-DAMAGE NIGHTMARE!” laments the Enquirer.
Clearly, celebrities have a hard road in this world – the neck-lifts alone are frightening — but I truly fear for their children. We must save the Hollywood babies.
Tom Cruise is has begun vocally denouncing his abusive, alcoholic father…apparently to turn the tide of tabloid opinion and make the public feel sorry for him, since there has been little support for “Cruise Control” since mate Katie Holmes has begun to resemble the psychological equivalent of a bonsai tree.
“So many times the big bully comes up, pushes me. Your heart’s pounding, you sweat and you feel like you are going to vomit. I don’t like bullies,” Tom is quote as saying in the Star.
I like Tom’s crafty use of the present-continuous tense – it’s more action-oriented, and gives you the spin that he’s still being beaten right now – and I also like his use of the second-person singular, so that you, the reader, feel like you too are presently being beat up by Tom’s dad…. even though said dad died alone and destitute in 1984.
Tom needs your sympathy and understanding right now.
“Maybe another pair of shoes will make me happy,” says Life & Style’s fake caption next to a picture of a hugely pregnant and clearly miserable Katie Holmes, pre-silent gag birth, shopping alone at Barney’s. “Katie who?” reads the fake caption next to Tom, photographed out on yet another marathon re-carpet appearance, dazzling the multitudes with his giant teeth while promoting his new movie.
“90% of readers polled say Katie is better off alone,” said Life & Style.
Tom, perchance, might be thinking the same thing – but he’ll be keeping the baby, thank you very much – full custody.
“(Tom) simply said flat-out that the baby would be his if they broke up,” said a source in the Star. “Katie’s trembling over what Tom has in mind for the pre-nup.”
This perhaps explains why he wants daughter Suri Cruise, aka the Second Coming of L. Ron, not to drink Katie’s tainted, inferior human breast milk, opting instead to feed his child the Scientologically approved but controversial baby formula of “barley water, milk and corn syrup.” This mixture will apparently give baby Suri all the nutrition she needs to offset eternal damnation, since Tom has also decided she will not be baptized.
Daddy knows best.
Pray also for Brangelina, who, despite the “FIGHTING, CRYING AND SWELTERING” they are constantly doing, according to the Star, have opted to have a “water birth” in Namibia, after a wedding ceremony performed entirely in the Bantu dialect. Security guards for the couple, according to the Star, were directed to “shrink-wrap” the entire Namibian hunting lodge they rented, for the occasion – a security measure so intense that it has excluded even views of the ocean — reportedly the lodge’s best feature — suggesting that Brad, like Caligula before him, has declared a cold war against enemy King Neptune.
The Globe describes the setting for the blessed event: “In a cell-like room with bare walls, [Angelina Jolie] will lower herself into a deep stone bathtub and work with gravity to ease the pain.” Which sounds pretty Spartan until you consider that at least she will be surrounded by African ladies chanting birth-mantras, and she will not require a rubber gag.
The Star kindly suggested some creative, celebrity-ready names for the couple’s baby, since there were rumors afoot that Brangie “is considering a native Namibian name for her child.” Two of the tabloid’s favorites: Ndahepuluka, meaning “I became richer,” and Kaunadodo, meaning “The world has no stairs.” I also like the name “Xochuascachitl” which sounds Mayan, but actually it’s a name I just made up that means “Likely to have drug problems.”
But we need to feel sorry for them.
“We’re getting tired of Brad and Angelina hijacking our lovely country,” the Star quotes one local Namibian as remarking. “They should go back to Hollywood and get on with the life they’ve made for themselves there.”
But feel sorriest for Sean Preston Federline, child of Britney. Young Sean Preston has been the subject of numerous tabloids speculating that he might have brain damage, since he has been prone to falling on his head and face numerous times in the last several weeks. The most dramatic of these falls involved a nanny/highchair mishap, which left young Federline with a hairline skull fracture and minor bloodclots. Presumably his future run-ins with the law will be blamed on this tragic occurrence .
All this begs the obvious question: which would be worse? Having a baby in complete silence, replete with rubber dental gag, and then surrendering it over to Tom Cruise….. or having a baby in a windowless cell in rural Africa? Or being repeatedly dropped on your head and face by Britney Spears? Or being named by Gwyneth Paltrow?
See….we need to do something. Maybe Bono can help.