DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #8

I propose a new product, so all you geeks out there in the Valley better listen up and steal it: The SistaFone.
Given the rash of recent cellphone beatings doled out by such high profile women-of-color as supermodel Naomi Campbell and congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga.), there is a clear need for a product that can provide high-quality mobile telephone and text messaging service, and also cut heads back to the fat meat. I envision something sleek – like the Motorola Razor, but that weighs a solid four-and-a-half pounds, with brass-knuckle-style ergonomic finger-holes, for when fools need to step off. Security guards will think twice before following carriers of the SistaFone into the hair and makeup aisles of local drug and discount stores, particularly when they are accompanied by such trendy downloadable rings as “QUIT TOUCHING ME!” and “I SAID, QUIT F%$#*@ TOUCHING ME!”
Tom Cruise, according to OK! Magazine, has completely co-opted and now fully controls all functions in the mind of Katie Holmes. “ Tom’s controlling behavior is all-encompassing, and it’s leaving Katie with few decisions to make on her own.”
The Cruise household, OK reports, recently received a shipment of “Be Silent, and Make All Movements Slow and Understandable” posters in order to instruct all the people trying to be ultra silent during the birth of the hapless “TomKitten.”
“Understandable?” I don’t get it. Does that mean the silent birth is on, or off?
According to the Star, “In keeping with a Scientology silent birth, Tom is prepared to do whatever it takes to muffled Katie’s moans and groans during the delivery.” So Tom recently visited an orthodontist to have a special “personalized pacifier” — read, “rubber muzzle” — made for his quasi-bride, specially molded to her teeth, which is supposed to help her maintain a proper Scientological quiet while birthing. Awwww. That is so sweet. I wonder if she gets special molded leg- and wrist- cuffs too, just in case she is in any danger of being tempted to make non-understandable movements.
Katie, meanwhilst, is reportedly spending “up to 8 hours a day” at the Scientology Celebrity Centre — insiders speculate this is because she is “resisting” something in the teaching, leading me to speculate that they’ve got her on a Katherine Wheel or a Lazy Susan or something.
I like how they spell it “Centre.” I wonder if they eat a lot of crème there, in which case it would be a crème-filled centre.
But it gets weirder. “One insider insists that Tom’s having Katie read Scientology literature to her baby bump every night before going to bed…Tom hopes the baby will be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.” Boo-yah! There we have it. The messiah cometh. No wonder the mother requires bondage.
I only hope the kid is able to live up to Daddy Cruise’s ambitions, because only L.Ron knows what kind of infernal restraint contraption he’ll stick it in if it doesn’t. If worse comes to worse, the whole family could show their devotion by all getting portrait tattoos of L.Ron Hubbard. They couldn’t be any worse than Tori Spelling’s fiancée Dean McDermott’s portrait tattoos of Tori Spelling.
“The first one he got was on his wrist, and it says ‘Truly, madly, deeply, Tori.’” Ms. Spelling told OK Magazine. “He added a second one that goes up to his elbow. It is the back of an angel, naked, with wings, because he calls me his angel. It looks like me because it has long blonde hair….The portrait is new. It’s a picture he took of me the night we got engaged.” Why do all portrait tattoos end up looking like Woody Allen?
But back to Tom Cruise. Rumors flew last week that Tom Cruise is trying to get Scientology to buy Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, which has fallen into abject disrepair. Giraffes wading around in mysterious pools of blood. “Apparently, now that the ranch is over 15 years old, [Michael] Jackson just isn’t interested in it anymore,” commented David Spade.
TomKat in Neverland – the snake has swallowed its own tail, fiends. I don’t know if Nostradamus predicted it, but it can’t be good.