DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #6

Praise Allah for the Globe, the only tabloid rowdy enough to put the scurviest political gossip on their front page. They broke the ‘Bush is Drunk’ story, and now:
Why did Dick Cheney shoot that lawyer, you may well ask, besides the fact that he was probably also drunk?
For LOVE, sayeth the Globe. He was protecting the OTHER WOMAN in his life.
Bloggers (and the Globe) are wildly theorizing that Cheney was having a “STEAMY AFFAIR” with Ms. Pamela Pitzer Willeford, a big booster for Bush/Cheney back in the campaigning days, who, as a reward for her exceptional fund raising (and more….tender antics, perchance?) was given the coveted ambassadorship to Switzerland. Word in the gutter has it that Cheney’s Swiss Miss…missed, while shooting ducks, and shot the lawyer instead, and Cheney ‘took the bullet’ for her because it would have looked better for him to have shot the guy than for his mistress to have dunnit.
Juicy.
But I have to say, appealing as it is, as gossip, it doesn’t really make any sense, because in order for there to be another woman in Cheney’s life, he’d have to have enough human blood pumping through his implanted heart-defibrillator to engorge specific parts of his body that he probably hasn’t even seen in seven or eight years.
Besides, Pamela Pitzer Willeford is a frosty old Texas matron who has that Sandra Dee-Day O’Connor look, like she wears those big nylon over-the-navel panties, and you gotta figure that if Swingin’ Dick Cheney ever really stepped out for some Strange, it would probably be with a great big, powerful, ballbreaking sexpot like Chynna, the wrestler, or maybe Dennis Rodman.
But it’s a nice thought, and nearly humanizing of Vice…. but we have to remember that the only time the press ever connected the words “Love” and “Cheney” in a sentence were in connection with the time he accidentally shot someone in the face.
And speaking of that kind of love, Jennifer Aniston is spitting and spraying black jets of hate at my friend Nancy, her ex-roommate, because Nancy did an innocent, truthful, funny little piece about someone she called “Jane” at a reading in New York last week.
Aniston called Nancy “mean-spirited” and “opportunistic,” which was totally unfair, because the piece was mainly about how “Jane” gave Nancy all these wicked beauty tips – like, serious hermetic Secrets of Being Attractive that only a gold-digging shrew like Jennifer Aniston’s mom could ever be seriously expert at:
1. Ice nipples before acting auditions.
2. Make sure bangs are not frizzing and always, always blow dry.
3. Stuff bra at all costs with anything available including chicken cutlets (?!) from Food Emporium (which are apparently breast-shaped, being made of breast-like objects and who cares how you smell after the audition).
4. Be nice and friendly and happy and f***able and don’t be an angry person.
I mean, this is all actually good advice. Every aspiring actress should have a helpful, backstabbing, attention-sucking, blow-up girlfriend like “Jane” in their lives, to tell them the powerfully manipulative secrets of cuteness. She was right, that was the main thing. That is how you get famous. Oh, and dump all your old friends really brutally once you get successful. Duh.
Aniston will, no doubt, be glad to know that there is a special, new, dangerous mutant chicken she can stuff her cutlets with. According to the WEEK, these chickens, due to a mutation of the talpid2 gene — which was meddled-with by German scientists — are growing “alligator-like teeth.” 70 million years of evolution reversed! Mammaria Dentata! Now THERE’s a whole new Freudian problem to unleash on society. Leave it to the Germans.
And speaking of Freudian problems, Aicha El-Wafi is quoted in TIME as saying, “This is no longer my son,” re: Zacarias Moussaoui, her son, after he shouted during his trial, “God curse America! Bless Osama bin Laden!”
Which is so typical of the narcissistic mother and/or Jennifer Aniston – tote my beliefs or you’re on your own, kid. To quote the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire (which is not the official airline of the Islamic Jihad movement – in fact, I bet if Will Smith were ever in prison, they’d probably make him join either Cosa Nostra or Aryan Nation, just for being too ‘jiggy’….), Parents just don’t understand. Let’s hope there’s enough light in the hole they put Moussauoi in for the rest of his life for him to read “Drama of the Gifted Child.”
Maybe his mom was just trying to make nice with the Department of Homeland Security, but still. What about Moussaoui’s needs? What teenager hasn’t grown up to kill over 3,000 people in one way or another?
Tina Fey said it best: “The FDA has approved the first ever transdermal patch for the treatment of depression. Simply remove the backing and press the patch firmly over your mother’s mouth.”
Here here, Tina. If you can’t trash Mom, who can you trash.
OK, Jennifer Aniston. But still.