DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #5

Ah, fiends, it’s a good time to be Italian. Your ship just came in.
“I am the Jesus Christ of politics,” sayeth the supreme and majestic Lamb of God better known as Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berluscioni, according to TIME. The Holiest Prime Minister has also described himself as a “martyr for his nation” and compared himself to Napoleon and Winston Churchill recently, as he is up for re-election soon.
I think it is absolutely GREAT that Jesus has returned, and he went right to the Vatican-area, and skipped Jerusalem altogether. Ciao, Temple-on-the-Mount. Scusi.
I think that “Left Behind Games”- CEO Troy Lyndon should turn Silvio into a kick-ass Christian video game, like he did for Tim LaHaye’s “Left Behind” series. The game, “Left Behind: Eternal Forces,” features, according to TIME, “a level of violence reminiscent of Grand Theft Auto. The game revolves around New Yorkers who are ‘left behind’ after the Rapture.”
And you know it’s going to get ugly, because when the Rapture hits and the Saved start ascending bodily into heaven, you know that I and a whole lot of my fellow snarky, left-behind New Yorkers are just going to regard them as skeet.
This is pretty much the level of violence to be expected from the “Eternal Forces” game, which CEO Lyndon has aimed at those who “didn’t mind the gore in The Passion of the Christ….megachurches are very likely to embrace this game.”
Jesus Christ is coming back to NYC and boy, is he awesomely pissed!
You talketh to me? Huh? You talketh to me, ye punk?You must be talketh-ing to me, because I don’t see anyone else standeth-ing around here.
And then Silvio Berluscioni produces a large sawed-off shotgun from his holy robe and blammo.
Too bad Jesus couldn’t save the Winter Olympics from sucking this year. They sucked so hard, in fact, that wrist-slashingly talentless but extremely beautiful Padma Lakshmi, the “actress” and “writer” (read: “model” and “decades-younger wife of Salman Rushdie”) graces the cover of Newsweek (instead of, say, a victorious Sasha Cohen) — as their image chosen for “THE NEW INDIA” – but I suspect it’s because Newsweek was really just scrambling around for something Fareed Zakaria could write about that might make him momentarily stop bitch-slapping the Administration. In any case, Padma’s cover definitely sends the positive message to Indian ladies everywhere: “Hey, Indian ladies! Bully for your up-and-coming homeland, and we are pleased to announce that now that most people are off-brown…. you’re hot too! Just make sure you look exceptionally sexy and marry really well, preferably someone a lot older than you who is perhaps famous. Go easy on the ghee.”
And speaking of wrist-slashingly talentless models: according to the Globe, Tyra Banks “has recurring dreams since the age of 12 of whales and dolphins bumping into her legs while she is in a pool – causing Tyra to have a fear of fish in real life.”
The Globe’s special dream analyst, Quinn Loewenberg, explained that the whales and dolphins symbolize Tyra’s “creative ideas,” which is enough to give me a lifelong fear of fish. I mean ideas. I mean Tyra Banks. Let’s face it: Tyra Banks probably wouldn’t know a good idea if it bashed into her legs, but if she had one, I’d be afraid of it.
I far preferred Madonna’s recurring dream in the same article. Madonna “reportedly has dreams of being harassed by a knife-wielding dwarf.” I don’t think it means anything psychological: I think she should beware of dwarves. Let’s face it, we all should. As an Italian-American, I think she ought to light some candles and pray to Silvio Berluscioni for protection.
And that’s la trash, mio fiendos.