DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #22

It was a week that gave us the spray-on condom, another Pam Anderson divorce, and so much more….
The Baker-Hamilton Commission has spoken! It may sound like something terrible you did in third grade, but The Iraq Study Group has finally dropped the poop on the GWAT [That’s pronounced “gwat,” and it’s an anagram for “Global War on Terror” for those of you who masochistically enjoy Mean Daddy’s hits with the Beltway], revealing that….the whole war over there is a complete waste of time, and we should really try to get around to figuring out how to stop doing it.
Ooops! Our bad.
Unfortunately, until someone gets around to finding a way to bring them back, we’re still just throwing good soldiers after bad, and squandering the lives of American Boys and Girls for no good reason ….which is why the Joint Chiefs of Staff should consider sending Young Hollywood over there. Finally, a viable career for Kevin Federline.
There was a wonderful article entitled “PANDA PORN PROPELS POPULATION PROLIFERATION” from the San Francisco Chronicle.
Apparently, scientists have finally figured out how to get giant Chinese pandas to mate – they show the virgin males DVDs of other pandas having sex.
Panda porn “is the same idea as chimpanzees seeing people smoke and then copying it,” said Thai researcher Prasertsak Buntragulpoontawee, which is the Thai researcher’s actual name. “It’s the sounds of breeding that stimulate them,” said Zhang Zhihe, a leading Chinese panda expert.
Which reminds me of the miraculous Mary Cheney, who has reportedly figured out how to have longtime girlfriend Heather Poe’s baby. Perhaps the compelling grunts and screams of Cheney Porn was responsible, since it seems terribly unlikely that Cheneys could otherwise figure out how to breed.
Eddie Murphy broke up with the pregnant Scary Spice, and Even Scarier Spice, aka Victoria Beckham, is reportedly indulging an interest in Scientology due to the nonstop drip-drip-drip of constant, nonstop, hard-sell peer-pressure from the Tomiban Cruise/Holmes contingent…..
Let’s just hope Victoria was the anonymous buyer behind that recent auction, and that the power and magic of the Givenchy Audrey Hepburn dress can ward off Body Thetans.
Spice Girls have no problem breeding, but if you think about it, that’s probably what the Spice Channel was for.
Paris Hilton has loads of Paris Porn, but so far it hasn’t helped her produce anything but Chihuahuas – -however, she is apparently responsible for Britney’s choking the internet with unrequested pictures of her Brazil-waxed C-section.
According to the Postchronicle.com:
“[Paris Hilton] has made a habit of being photographed getting out of cars wearing short skirts and no underwear since August 2002, and has recently encouraged new friend Britney Spears to do the same.”
Britney defended the move on her website:
“I probably did take my new found freedom a little too far. Anyway, thank God for Victoria’s Secrets new underwear line!
I look forward a new year, new music and a new me.
I’m just getting started… Happy Holidays everyone!
Britney”
Which is terrifying, because if she’s just getting started….what else could she possibly show us? A tattooed cervix? Is she going to start stepping out of limos with a mirrorized funnel?
But let us now praise the Globe for being the only tabloid awesome enough to beat the President’s marriage into the grave, week after week.
“George and Laura Bush’s teetering marriage is being threatened by an alarming new crisis – explosive revelations that promise to rip the lid off of their shocking private lives and trigger a huge public scandal!”
What promise! What bounty lies in store! I want to renew my subscription again, even though I already renewed it two weeks ago!
The last Globe had an “insider” revealing riveting ultimatums: “[Laura] told the President, now is the time to let Condi follow Rumsfeld out the door….Laura’s had it up to here! She wants him in rehab. She wants Condi out.”
Now, apparently there is a tell-all book coming from an anonymous White House staffer that discusses “drunken sprees in the Oval Office.” The Globe quoted yet another Insider:
“George has hit bottom, and everyone fears that his drinking has increased since Election Day.”
Time to get rid of that Totalitarian okie wino, Miss Laura! No Yale graduate should be allowed to say the Iraq Study Group report was “in-stresting” and still get away with hitting any kind of bottom.
Let’s hope Paris Hilton takes the First Lady under her wing. When Laura finally stops taking the K-Fedesque “G-Bus” and kicks him to the curb, Paris can help her get her groove back. Then Laura can start showing the cameras how a Bush gets out of a limo.
That’s some straight up Trash Porn, my fiends.