DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #21

“It” came from outer space.
L. Ron Hubbard has revealed the divine secrets to eternal happiness in marriage: “Young girls need dresses, food, affectionate happiness, little details, pots, little combs, perhaps even a cat. She even needs little indulgences, if you like. Are you going to give these things to her? Say you will do it.”
Tom Cruise apparently said he would do It, hence consigning Katie Holmes to the fundamentalist “Cruise Control” of the Tomiban:
“Tom has gotten Katie to switch from the funky clothes of a 27-year-old woman to duds better suited to a woman in her 40’s,” said Life & Style. “He wants her to look more mature to downplay the fact that he’s 17 years older.” Katie, before the wedding, was also apparently ordered by her mate to “cut back her food portions” because Tom was “adamant about Katie getting back to a size 4.”
The now infamous three-minute kiss, following the now infamous “wedding” ceremony, was apparently an unsuccessful effort on Cruise’s part to completely take over the job of breathing Katie Holmes’s air for her.
Speaking of happy marriages, O.J. Simpson apparently mused about If He Did It to scurvy publishing gorgon Judith Regan. Regan famously published a book by porn star Jenna Jamison in which Jamison confessed doing It way too early in life, and with all the wrong people…. Regan claimed that book was intended to be helpful to victims of sexual abuse – apparently in the same way that the OJ book was supposed to be helpful to victims of domestic abuse. So….for Regan, It is about altruism, or something like It…. (probably more awl than true).
Ex-Seinfeld star Michael Richards apologized to “Afro-Americans” for going Macaca on stage in LA. Now he should probably consider apologizing again for calling them “Afro-Americans” since the afro went out with King Cobra malt liquor and patchwork leather trenchcoats. Maybe his outburst was supposed to be helpful to victims of verbal abuse.
And speaking of poorly-dressed hate crimes, screeching FOX warlock Bill O’Reilly is also suffering from racist attacks on his person; Billo claimed that he was discriminated against when applying for top TV anchor positions because he was “Shanty Irish.”
Which makes sense, because according to The Week: “Tax collectors in the Indian city of Patna are using teams of singing, dancing eunuchs to humiliate delinquent business owners.”
Apparently, the sight of “sari-clad she-males in full makeup” dancing around in front of their businesses is enough to get the owners to settle their tax bills….which certainly doesn’t work in New York. Anyway, speaking of Shanty Irish eunuchs, Michael Jackson is now renting a $30,000 per month castle in Ireland’s County Wicklow, according to the Globe.
“I’m always writing a potpourri of music…..I want to give the world escapism through the wonder of great music and reach the masses,” Jacko is reported to have said…which is remarkable, because it really makes one wonder how a man with no nose can properly hear a potpourri.
Jacko recently took his kids, Prince Michael, Paris, and Prince Michael II, to a bookstore in the port of Dun Laoghaire, which naturally begs the question how much money the bookstore owners gave to Indian tax collectors afterwards.
Doctor Henry Kissinger now says no victory is possible in Iraq….. even if we “Go big, go long, or go home.”
Washington Post reporter Dana Milbank described the “go long” strategy as an attempt to “moonwalk out” of Iraq, which probably won’t work, because any sari-wearing eunuch knows how to do that trick where you make your feet look like they are moving the wrong way, and Iraqis won’t be impressed.
They might, however, be impressed with Naomi Campbell, the woman who the Enquirer recently dubbed “The World’s Most Violent Supermodel.”
Naomi, however, now has competition.
Singer Brandy, an occasional Scientologist, apparently started a brawl in a Bible study class at the First African Methodist Episcopal Church in LA, which the Enquirer dubbed
“A TRUE BIBLE THUMPING.”
“Brandy made a few references to Scientology. It seemed as though she felt they had a better view on life than the Christians in her group,” an “eyewitness” told the ‘Qui.
Church members accused Brandy of being disruptive, and apparently a fight broke out between the parishioners and members of Brandy’s entourage: “Brandy grabbed a chair to protect herself…..she was angry and posturing….”
Brandy and Co. were finally booted out of the church by the pastor, at which point “(Brandy) showed her extreme displeasure – forcefully throwing down her chair.”
That girl needs a pan and a comb and a CAT.
Dr. Kissinger, save the moonwalk for Ireland: send Naomi Campbell, and Brandy to Iraq, and give them a proper escort: Michael Richards. That will solve everything.
That’s It, Fiends.