DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #20

Creep back from your ledges! Turn the gas burners off, and re-ignite the pilot light. Get the kids out of the car, and the car out of the lake. Take all that C-4 out of your cargo pants, and put that binge fund back in your 401K.
Why should we have cause for such hope?
Well, Reese finally divorced Ryan, Britney finally divorced K-Fed, and the American People finally divorced Mr. Cheney.
So now we can finally stop paying attention to public policy, and get back to public relations. Go ahead and cancel that New York Times homes delivery, fiends, and crack open a 6-pack of Page Sixes….we”re finally free to be shallow again. Ding Dong.
It”s official! Teen girls everywhere: even if you are utterly talentless; you can still captivate all the attention you want through simple anorexia.
Just ask crazy-popular, 82-pound hunger artist Nicole Richie, whose career, in the past, was limited to being the dark little velvet cushion which was placed underneath Paris Hilton in order to enhance the cheap diamond of the latter”s beauty.
Now, nearly 40 pounds lighter – the world is watching her slow death with the most rapt interest. Nicole is sizzling hot.
“She was watching The Simple Life, and she was grossed out by how big she looked…”
a “friend” of Richie”s told US magazine, which features a gorgeous 4 page spread on Richie”s affliction. US purrs, “By May 2006 her weight had plummeted and she”d gone from sharing Bongo jeans ads to starring in Jimmy Choo campaigns.”
“Contrary to CNN”s false accusations, I did not check myself into an eating disorder rehab…I do not have an eating disorder. I don”t know how many times I have to say it,” Ms. Richie pouted to the press this week, as clumps of her hair fell out and her size-00 dress billowed around her shriveling frame like a rain poncho.
Perhaps she”s right. There are a lot of other things besides an eating disorder that can make people weigh 82 pounds…..namely, crystal meth, crack, AIDS, and cancer. Hey…keep us guessing!
The Star, however, quoted the cautionary opinion of Dr. David Wall of the Remuda Ranch – a facility that treats eating disorders:
“We see the biceps and the face shrinking, but the brain is also shrinking.”
Even complete nobodies can become famous, now, with sufficient anorexia… and a scandal. Case in point, little Alison Clinton, who somehow merited a two-page spread in the Star for being the nanny that slept with the husband of country singer Sara Evans …..and for weighing a whopping 75 pounds.
The Star can barely contain their admiration, or print enough dreamy pictures of her.
“Q. (Star) You were reported to be down to 79 lbs., and previously, you weighed 69 lbs. Where is your weight now?
A. (Clinton) I”m not far away from [69 pounds]. Losing four pounds in one weeks is not doing too good.”
….Unless, of course, you happen to be anorexic – in which case losing 4 pounds in one week makes you a victory goddess. It makes you Lance Armstong. The notorious “Friends of Ana” must have baked her a special cake made entirely of Kleenex.
Finally, US Magazine”s “star smackdown” victim of the week was one-legged Heather Mills McCartney, who has been complaining in court that Paul wouldn”t let her have a bedpan in the bedchamber– which forced her to crawl to the bathroom in middle of the night. This testimony was openly questioned by drug-abusing waif supermodel and anorexia inspiration Kate Moss.
Moss, according to the UK Sun, reportedly told her friends that she had seen Mills with her leg off, she was “jumping around like a f**king gazelle.”
Oh, the good times, fiends…they are just beginning anew. Can”t you feel new trash blooming everywhere?