DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #19

Let us now all take our panties off and throw them in praise at MSNBC news anchor Keith Olbermann, the Dregulator’s Official Sexiest M.F. Alive for 2006. Oh, Keith. Keith. Keith. Grrrrr. He’s like Edward R. Murrow and Voltaire and Camus and young Dan Ackroyd and Hawaii-5-0 era Jack Lord, all rolled up into one big succulent H.L. Mencken. Congratulations, Mr. Olbermann. Please contact The Dregulator personally to receive your award, which includes long walks on the beach, Greco-Roman mini-rolfing, some nice mangos, maybe a candlelight round of butterscotch Twister; long discussions about Truffaut’s Antoine Doinel series in my high-performance, Michelin-certified champagne hammock…… and possible adoption of a Malawian orphan.
Pick it up anytime, Mr. Olbermann. We at the Dregulator feel it is our duty as American journalists to make sure you are amply recognized and lavishly rewarded for your vital contribution to the public dialogue.
And….I love you.
Mr. Olbermann effortlessly steals this honor from the other worthy runners-up in this years competition, George Clooney (too immature), Eliot Spitzer (too mature), and Scarlett Johanssen.
In dumber and less important news,
According to The Week, “a British evolutionary theorist predicted that the human race will eventually evolve into two distinct groups: a tall, intelligent, symmetrically featured ‘genetic elite,’ and a sub-race of squat, hideous morons.”
This, coincidentally, appears in the same issue of The Week that reveals that Tom Cruise now has “conspicuous ‘man-boobs.'”
Other tabloids, trying to wrap themselves around this new evolutionary theory, are trying to understand the new Spears/ Federline child, aka The Baby Formerly Known as Sutton Pierce, and his abrupt name-change to “Jayden James,” an alliterative glyph largely unpronounceable to all but Southern persons.
While we’re on the subject of celebrity children tragically subjected to boozy confederate eponyms (or is that K-Federate eponyms?): Dannielynn Hope, daughter of Anna Nicole Smith, is still the subject of a paternity battle between freelance writer Larry Birkhead and Ms. Smith’s attorney-cum-illegal husband, Howard K. Stern, who are both apparently dying for the chance to give this baby the warm, fatherly influence it deserves.
The tabloids are suggesting that Birkhead’s paternal urges might be so sincere that he might go so far as to obtain the baby’s DNA via dirty diapers.
“Skin cells are sloughed off during a bowel movement, even by a tiny baby, so her diaper would be a particularly rich source of DNA,” someone calling themself a “forensics expert” told the Globe.
The reason why Daddy I and Daddy II might prove troublesome for Ms. Smith is the nearly half-billion dollars the Supreme Court finally decided she stands to inherit from Mr. Dead Ancient Billionaire Prune, from that marriage back when she was a 20-something Playboy Playmate.
In the…uh…God forbid …uh, totally unlikely event that Anna (who was so over-sedated following the recent tragic death of her son that she needed to be repeatedly notified on numerous occasions about the recent tragic death of her son) should ever be labeled an unfit mother, the biological father of Dannielynnhope stands, according to the Globe, to be able to “snag a huge payday in child-support fees.”
Lawsy.
There’s only one solution, Anna: Guard those diapers with your life! Hoard them! Don’t throw away a single one! Ever!
I suppose you could also try using a cork, but Dannielynnhope has already suffered too much in her short life. This could also add juice to the ‘unfit’ thing. Just hang in there.
Just ask yourself what Keith Olbermann would do. This will open up a tiny box in your head, and a tiny trickle of subtle yet coherent thoughts will come.
That’s the trash, my fiends. All the dirty diapers you want, anytime.