DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #18

Nicole Richie International Prurient Death-Watch time: 82 lbs, and losing.
What does 82 pounds actually weigh, in today’s wacky world?
The weight range for the average 8-year old, according to The Safe Accountable Flexible Efficient Transportation Equity Act, is 45 to 82 pounds- which, in essence, dictates that Nicole always needs to ride in a safety-seat, limo notwithstanding.
There’s an article in Esquire from August, 2006 by Patrick Deuel, who had 82 pounds of skin removed, after a Roux-en-Y gastric bypass operation that reduced his weight from 1,072 pounds to an eventually svelte 372.
“Sixteen months later and another 200 pounds lighter, I still had my panniculus, which is an apron of excess fat and skin. Mine was 82 pounds and hung down almost three inches below my right knee. Boy, once they took that off! The incision was forty-two inches side to side. It’s like a great big abdominal smile.”
Dairy cows produce 82 pounds of manure a day, according to an April 29, 2002 issue of Waste News.
According to KidsAstronomy.com, “If you weigh 70 pounds on the Earth you would weigh 82 pounds on Uranus.”
Urgent note to Nicole Richie: DON’T GO TO URANUS. It will make you look fat.
You will only live for ten minutes.
Anna Nicole Smith. The Anna Nicole Smith thing. God. What kind of freaky opera IS THAT? There aren’t enough Richard Wagners born per millennium to keep up with her tragedies.
According to some horrible website called Playfuls.com:
“Daniel Smith was killed by a lethal combination of methadone and two anti-depressant drugs, according to Cyril Wecht, the private pathologist brought in by Anna Nicole Smith.
Toxicology tests revealed that Anna Nicole Smith’s 20-year-old son had methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro in his system, which produced a lethal ‘cumulative effect on the central nervous system,'”
The baby girl that Anna Nicole just gave birth to was named Dannie Lynn Hope, a name chosen, according to the website, “in the memory of Daniel… she’s ‘the one ray of hope’ after Daniel’s tragic death.”
Ye GODS.
Other speculations speculate that someone murdered Daniel Smith….and his name… was….OEDIPUS.
Sayeth the Star: “For 20 years, Daniel had been an only child, and he and his mother were very – some might say strangely – close! When he was 4, a source says, ‘She gave him the nude polaroids of herself that were shot for Playboy…’ …the source also adds that when Anna was between lovers, she and Daniel, then a preteen, slept in her bed.”
The DREGULATOR considers it the DREGULATOR’S solemn duty to articulate the taboo thing that everyone is thinking but nobody dares say: Could it be that Daniel Smith was… his OWN FATHER?
In any case, we can only hope that Anna’s lawyer-slash-illegitimate-pro-bono-Howard K. Stern has read enough Tennessee Williams to deal with this Old Testament-style melodrama. Have mercy, Angry God of Abraham.
Speaking of white trash tragedies, Kevin Federline’s first child, Sean Preston, was designed to have the same initials as Sean P. Diddy . So, is it really wise, one wonders, for the Spears Family to then name their second boy child – “Sutton P.” – also after the initials of P.Diddy – when the first tribute still didn’t result in a viable rap career for K-Fed? Begging the question: isn’t that just throwing good children after bad?
But thems be the Dregs, chillun. Rend thy clothes and repent.