DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #17

“CASTRO BROTHER NOW QUEEN OF CUBA!” squeals the Globe. Raul Castro, according to “sources,” is a notorious cross-dresser who “became close friends with” Che Guevara (hmmmm, there never was a Mrs. Guevara, was there? And he had such natty facial hair. And he wore berets at such a jaunty tilt. Hell, now Madonna sometimes dresses like him. I guess we’ll have to start pronouncing it She Guevara. Or better yet, Gay Chuevara… ). But, in typical Roy Cohn, self-hating closet-queen style, he persecuted his fellow Cuban queers by trying to cure them with electroshock experiments. “Now, exiled Cubans in America are openly mocking Raul with slogans like… ‘Fatigues are out. Florals are in,’ and ‘Queer Eyes for the Communist Guys.'”
Communism apparently doesn’t work any better than Scientology does at converting people from the ideology that dare not speak its name: “A gay man sued the Church of Scientology for failing to ‘cure’ him of his homosexuality…According to the lawsuit, Scientologists had lured the man into the group using John (Travolta) as an example of a cured homosexual,” sayeth the Enquirer. Maybe Communism can cure Scientology…one Hollywood has-been at a time.
Hey, it was JonBenet fever again, all of a sudden! A big comeback for America’s favorite dead oversexed toddler!
The Supreme Court ruling against the NSA for illegally wiretapping us was suddenly totally unimportant, because JonBenet Ramsey’s murder was totally not solved! Whee!
According to Democracy Now, major TV news networks devoted anywhere from 7 to 15 times more coverage to re-murdering JonBenet than they did to the Supreme Court ruling against the President’s illegal whims.
I think it’s because the networks are worthless, irrelevant, complicit, prurient, greed-bent zombie death-porn-mongers who line their pockets with ruffley baby panties, but that’s just me.
Speaking of unregenerate perverts,
This week’s tabloids beg the question: whose perversions are more disgraceful? : Hugh Hefner’s or Yanni’s?
I’d pick Yanni for his New Age Crapping in the Acropolis LP. But really, they are quite similar, according to their angry ex-girlfriends:
* Both pop fistfuls of Viagra
* Both like weird sex with multicolored rubber things.
Yanni, according to disgruntled ex-lover Silvia Barthes, “liked to whip me and slap me and call me dirty names…I had three outfits – the French maid, the nurse and the secretary…I would also have to wear gloves. He loved the black latex ones,” Barthes told the Globe.
Izabella St. James has written a tell-all about her stint as one of Hugh Hefner’s 7 identical blonde “co-girlfriends” – a job “with cash and perks totaling $105,000 a year” – plus medical and dental. “The bedroom would have porn movies running on TV screens and be equipped with sex toys, handcuffs and lubricants…Then, a baby-oil coated Hef would lie on the bed and another bunny would orally pleasure him briefly, followed by the next girl and the next, with ‘each girl spending no more than 10 seconds with him…after that, Hef (pleasured himself) while watching the porn. It was all over with a loud, dramatic God damn it – wow. It was sickening,'” said the outraged Ms. St. James, who recently quit her high-paying job orally pleasuring Hugh Hefner to write a book about it.
And finally, the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe is alive and well and living in Toronto, according to the Globe. A new book by psychiatrist Dr. Adrian Finkelstein entitled “Marilyn Monroe Returns: The Healing of a Soul,” discusses how rock singer Sherri Lea Laird sought treatment in 1998 after she became “suicidal due to flashbacks of Marilyn, which were accompanied by crushing chest pains.”
Laird, under hypnosis, discussed her previous-life affair with Tony Curtis, described her marriage to Joe DiMaggio as “boring,” and reviewed the comparative sexual prowess of the Kennedys: “Bobby was sexier, better in bed. He was a tiger.”
And in a totally unrelated story, it was rumored that Paris Hilton had purchased the burial plot next to Marilyn Monroe’s, in order to bury her pet goat – but this is untrue. “It’s a well-known fact that Hugh Hefner bought the crypt next to Marilyn’s years ago,” said InTouch.
Weird.
But wait… If Hef is really going to rest in peace, isn’t he going to need six more Marilyn Monroes to be buried next to?
If she’s reincarnated already, he can at least buy one more, eventually. Maybe someday he can be buried next to a different one every 10 years.
And that’s the spooky spooky bucket o’ trash, fiends.