DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #16

“There’s nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde – like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana – and right now, I’m that icon.”
— Paris Hilton, to the world in general
“Who’s Tony Blair? Oh yeah….he’s, like, your president? I don’t know what he looks like.”
— Paris Hilton, to British GQ.
“Bllllaaaaughghhrp….caaghrrrach……Benjamin Disraeli. ”
– Someone who looked like Paris Hilton but obviously wasn’t, trying to discuss Benjamin Disraeli while vomiting in a St. Tropez parking lot.
Let us now praise great magazine covers, like the September issue of Vanity Fair, featuring mondo-sexy, timeless-looking style-icon Kate Moss in that fur hat, Vaseline, Brazil-wax-and-hipwaders look that young Hollywood is so into these days.
She looks terrific.
And then, you plow in to the magazine, and sample some of the other 361 pages of Kate Moss ads, you think….wait a minute….
…is it just me, or is it not abundantly clear that Kate Moss has that walleyed, halibut look that people get when they do too much horse, smack and goofballs and their optic nerves go all fritzy? I mean, she’s obviously still got it going on, but it totally looks like she’s trying to read the graffiti on both sides of the stall at the same time. Maybe she just has so many contracts she always needs to look bored, stoned and pouty at two cameras simultaneously. Maybe Louis Vuitton owns her right eye and Calvin Klein owns her left.
Maybe she’s just exhausted from making all that money for doing too much blow.
Speaking of money, serial-dating baseball cad Derek Jeter is hopping on the personal fragrance bandwagon. According to the Star, geriatric cosmetics megacorporation Avon is launching Jeter’s scent, “Driven” this November……a collection of “after-shave balm, body wash and deodorant” products that smell like Derek Jeter are to follow.
The scent is presumably some sporty mélange of grass, leather, wood, Courvoisier, whey protein and Mitchum. Smells like….Daddy.
Well, who knows about Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn – are they on or aren’t they? Nobody can agree. US says they’re getting married. Jen says they aren’t, and is apparently giving advice to Kate Hudson, now that she has left her husband, The Unabomber, in order to schtupp Owen Wilso…as if Jennifer Aniston was in any position to give relationship advice.
Further product notes:
You too can have an anti-Semitic phone! According to US magazine, a copy of Mel Gibson’s anti-Jew spew can be downloaded as a ringtone from oasysmobile.com
I’m hoping for a ringtone of Virginia senator George Allen’s “Macaca” slur, so I can impress Nazis with my knowledge of the French-Tunisian N-word.
The UK Observer said that the new Beyoncé video, “Check it Out,” caused “an outbreak of epileptic fits in British television viewers” – which means I definitely want it as a ringtone, because I can’t afford a new battery for my stun baton.
So…Mel Gibson is still in deep water with Jewish people… and now Madonna is in deep macaca again with God (and/or the Vatican) for hanging herself from a mirrorized cross. Cardinal Ersilio Tonini, “reportedly speaking with the approval of Pope Benedict,” sayeth US magazine, “has demanded that the singer ‘be excommunicated.’”
Here’s where Mel and Madge can help each other. Since Madge/Esther is so totally down with Kabbalah, maybe she can get a few Jews to forgive Mel….in the meantime, maybe some of Mel’s freakball extremo friends over at Opus Dei can get the Pope to look the other way on her little crucifixion stunt. Hollywood deals, just like Holy Wars, are all about teamwork.
At least JonBenet Ramsey can now stop tossing over and over in her tiny grave, now that that ghastly, downy-faced pervert has been arrested in Thailand.
One can only speculate that if JonBenet had lived she would have grown up to be Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, at least judging from the icky weirdness of their dad Joe Simpson. Their dad gave both Simpson girls “chastity rings” when they were 12, and has inadvertently released such skin-crawly statements as “(Jessica’s) got Double-D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!”
Maybe they’ll get him a nice bottle of “Driven” for father’s day.
Which takes us back to Paris Hilton, whose mom is still dressing like JonBenet and if you think about it, that pretty much explains everything. Maybe we should fix her up with Joe Simpson – and the snake will swallow its own tail, and the world will vanish with a loud, wet, POP!
The trash, compacted for you, Mein Fiends. You’re welcome.