DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #15

Stars at War! Not to be confused with Star Wars! I am speaking of famous Hollywood stars, encountering warlike obstacles in their own celebrity lives.
Here’s the most dangerous quote in the world, from the WEEK:
“Hezbollah may be the A-Team of terrorists,” said Former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage, in 2003. “Maybe al-Qaida is actually the B-Team.”
Uh oh.
That would make Shiekh Hassan Nasrallah officially Mr.T, at least in the eyes of the Department of Defense. Not the growly-but-harmless Mr. T of TV-fame so much as the angry, ghetto Mr. T of Rocky II fame.
Mel Gibson, at least, seems to be all juiced to take sides in this Lebanon thing.
Buzzle.com’s ‘Redwolf Hesster’ adds his own sneevy kindling to the fire:
“A couple of years ago Gibson gave an interview to Reader’s Digest. Gibson’s comments may shock you. On the issue of the holocaust Gibson commented ‘I mean when the war was over they said it was 12 million. Then it was six. Now it’s four. I mean it’s that kind of numbers game.’”
I have a question: if Mel Gibson hates Jews and Hezbollah hates Jews, and al-Qaida is really only the B-Team, does that mean Mel Gibson is a terrorist?
Do I smell a Road Warrior IV: Beyond Guantanamo?
In any case, Nasrallah is reported to be in talks to replace the Danny Glover character in Lethal Weapon VII.
Rabbi Marvin Hier, founder of the Simon Wiesenthal Center, commented that anti-Semitism “cannot be cured in one day and certainly not through a press release.”
Mel, mindful of this, wants to meet with Jewish leaders, just as soon as he’s not drunk. He will don the painful yarmulke of thorns.
I think that as an apology, Mel should have a public bris. The Chosen People need to demand Mel’s foreskin, to appease Yahweh. This alone will restore peace.
IN other news, a Doberman killed Elvis’s teddy bear. (Moment of silence.)
According to the Associated Press, David Hasselhoff’s publicist Judy Katz vigorously denied reports that The Hoff was too drunk to board a plane from Heathrow Airport to LA last week. She said that reports that he was so -faced that he couldn’t stand up “totally untrue.”
Hasselhoff was not drunk. He might be a notorious, falling-down alcoholic who has flunked rehab several times, and his divorce to Pamela Bach, his wife of 16 years, may have been finalized mere days previous to the allegation, and he may have been loudly and publicly lamenting this fact to any member of airport staff who would listen…but that certainly had nothing to do with drunkness.
Hasselhoff, according to Katz, was under the influence of “strong antibiotics.” Yes. “Strong antibiotics,” for a “recent arm injury.”
And don’t think that just because there were reports that Hasselhoff was so trashed he had to be removed from the All England Club (home of Wimbledon) earlier this month means that he was drunk then, either. He already denied that he was drunk that time, and so, that wasn’t what you thought it was. It wasn’t.
No, at Heathrow, Haselhoff apparently took enough Cipro to catch the kind of buzz that makes you fall down, wet your pants and and slur your words to the point where the only thing coming out is stuff like: “PAMELA……grrrhhhhmmm….uorhms…..fummgh…..harmmhefuggh….
PAMELA.” But he wasn’t drunk.
Now, if I had only known I could catch that kind of rolling blackout-buzz from antibiotics, I would have run out and caught a venereal disease years ago. Think of all the amoxicillin I threw away after the intestinal amoeba I picked up in Cabo San Lucas! Dumb! Dumb!
Last month, Hoff “sliced four tendons and an artery” in a “shaving accident” at his London hotel. He was, no doubt, under the influence of a powerful, mood-altering yogurt. We can only hope that Hasselhoff isn’t going into one of those probiotic/antibiotic speedball tailspins. Pretty soon you’re selling your TV, your phone gets turned off, and they find you wandering around drugstore parking lots in the middle of the night, swilling kefir straight out of the carton and haplessly sucking on depleted tubes of Neosporin.
Be afraid, fiends. And forewarned.