DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #14

Lies, lies, lies, mendacity and propaganda. Lies in every publication. Justification for the most atrocious acts.
For example: Anorexia. Anorexia seems to be positively rampant among today’s sub-size-0 starlets, yet oddly….none of them have it. The thing that is somewhat confusing about this…. is the fact that all of them have it.
74% of InTouch readers decided this week that Kiera Knightly is now “too thin.” InTouch also provided readers with a handy chart of 2006’s Anorexia All-Stars:
Nicole Richie: 5’1”, 93 pounds.
Kate Bosworth: 5’5”, 100 pounds.
Victoria “Posh” Beckham: 5’6”– size 23 jeans. “That’s the size that Dakota Fanning’s little sister, Elle, would wear,” they said.
They all denied allegations of eating disorders, and in some states are now required to ride in safety seats while driving.
Because….they’re so small. The airbags. OK, it was a stretch. Let’s just say they are constantly in danger.
Ashlee-e-e-e Simpson got half of her nose removed, recently, and has been airbrushed to the same golden-brown, tater-tot color as her sister Jessica, who has been painted to be the exact same coco-Latin color as Pam Anderson. Ashlee has stopped admitting she has had a nose job, because, sayeth an InTouch insider, “She doesn’t want to encourage young, impressionable teenage girls to have plastic surgery.”
Well, it’s too damned late. The nose is gone, and the rewards are obvious.
“Ashlee’s new, sophisticated style has already boosted her career. She’s set to become the new face of Victoria’s Secret Pink collection,” gushes the magazine.
Who is corrupting the youth of today? It’s a chicken-or-the-egg question: Is the nose job that gets the contract to blame, or the contract that hires the nose job? But the bigger question is, why do these girls need to be painted the color of homeless beach people?
Pam Anderson, it should be noted, now no longer attempts to appear to be anything, career-wise, other than a host-system for her ballooning, pumpkin-sized mega-teats. Kid Rock has also apparently also offered to aid in being supported by them. Perhaps their reality show could be called ‘Pimp My Bride,’ and Pam’s breasts can be taken to Southern California to get windfoils so they don’t catch air.
Lindsay Lohan also denied allegations this week that she has “given herself an a special (20th birthday) present by boosting her assets from a sizable C to a D-cup.” She attributed her suddenly enormous new breasts to the fact that she’s totally not anorexic.
“The truth is I got my boobs back because I got healthier,” says Lohan, although all her other body parts are suspiciously the same size they were when she was supposedly “unhealthy.” Hmmm.
I blame the Administration. Get the D-cups, then we’ll spin them into an inspirational message against eating disorders. Perfect. You need any help vomiting that salad? It was just like when President Bush addressed the NAACP and somehow spun the need for inherited black wealth via home ownership into a brazen, nakedly self-serving pitch to abolish the inheritance tax. At least he stopped short of trying to get blacks to vote for re-enslaving themselves.
And Suri Cruise is either the product of L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm, or doesn’t exist, depending on which tabloid you believe. US Weekly is a bit more forgiving, choosing to believe that Tom and Katie are just too…uh…busy to prove they are concealing a live human infant in one of their many homes.
“(Katie) wakes up, nurses Suri, reads her Scientology books, nurses Suri again and while the baby naps, has Scientology lessons from a church staffer at their home…She’s trying to learn as much as possible.”
One thing is for sure – by the time Tom and Katie get through with Suri – if she actually exists – she certainly won’t be anything like a human baby anymore.
The shame, fiends.The terrible shame.