DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #13

Oh, how the mighty do plummet.
Ken Lay, you felonious old scamp. Skittering off behind the great mortal curtain right at payback-time. Come back here and eat your big plate of dung right this second.
Lucky, lucky Kenny, indecently dying of a massive coronary like that while still hoarding $43 million in old-lady quarters that he leeched off of Enron. In the meantime, he’s so dead now that all his charges are dropped.
So now I get why Republicans are so concerned with kissing up to their homeboy Jesus, because after making the most of their Last Armegeddon Tango in Corporate America, they really require a duty-free afterlife. It all makes sense.
Lay’s lawyers are now faced with the prospect of suing his estate to get their money. One can only presume this has come to the attention of fellow artery-sucking Texan and Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling, who has already paid his lawyers $40m, and still owes “multiple tens of millions of dollars” to his legal reps….Skilling, according to The WEEK, “is now asking the government to release $60m in personal assets that were frozen when he was indicted in 2004.”
Ha ha ha, fellas, give Daddy back the money, now. That’s Daddy’s personal money.
No more vodka-urinating ice-sculptures of Belgian infants at the big Texas bar-mitzvahs.
It was a good deal while it lasted. Lay, Lay, DeLay. Goodnight evahbody.
Speaking of overrated virtues, Hillary Duff, Hollywood’s oldest virgin at 18, intends to keep her hymen intact until she is married, according to the WEEK. This is apparently because she is the Anti-Lohan, and therefore must ideologically protect all tweens from That Devil Intercourse. Note Duff’s demure, cable-knit, non-Lindsay poncho. Note her apparent disinterest in anorexia, and hence expanding Duff. Duff’s ex-boyfriends will surely not be discussing her pubic hair on video whilst Paris Hilton snickers in the background.
Duff, it seems, is not as idiotic as she sounds. The enormous demographic of “SRT’s,” or “Silver Ring Teens” who have taken chastity vows, are apparently more concerned with whether or not their recording artists are chaste and/or virgins than they are concerned with their actual music…. which explains some of the deeper mysteries of recent popular culture.
Jessica Simpson, e.g., was a publicly abstinent “virgin” before her telemarriage.
“I promised God, my father and my future husband that I would remain a virgin until I got married,” she said, way back then.
I only regret that MTV didn’t bother to show us the bloody sheet after her wedding night.
Britney Spears was a virgin, way, way back in 2000, and the bloody sheets are still being displayed in the tabloids. Actually, they are the tabloids.
According to a fairly old article by Russell D’Arby, on the Swift Report, the chastity factor was allegedly responsible for record producers “pressuring Britney to marry.”
“You saw her popularity really beginning to slide as her young teen fans perceived that she was ‘giving it up for free’…The Jive (Records) executives have seen the writing on the wall: virginity sells. So they married her off as quickly as they could,” some “insider” told D’Arby.
I remember when Brooke Shields trumpeted her virginity on record, back in the stone age, but it was more interesting then, because it was a cognitively dissonant counterpoint to her posing as a topless hooker at age 12, in a film directed by accused statutory rapist Roman Polanski.
Wait, is it really so different?
“Reclaimed virginity” apparently also works wonders for healing the sexual disgrace of teen idols like Xtina Aguilera…but, really, Xtian charity notwithstanding: would you buy a used virginity from Britney Federline?
Would you buy a Christian redemption from Jeff Skilling? Hmmmm.
Speaking of boycotts, TIME sez Jay-Z is also fighting the good fight: he is making his nightclubs boycott Cristal after the expensive champagne company described its popularity among hip-hop stars as a “curiosity.”
Jay-Z resents his tastes and his peeps being referred to as a “curiosity.” This angered and offended Mr. Z. Cristal sales are now expected to fall dramatically, unto the plight of
Zima Clearmalt or the particularly detested Seagram’s Peach Gin-n-Juice.
And finally, speaking of product death, we bid a fond Dreg-u-sational farewell to Tylenol, the non-aspirin pain reliever we’ve all been taking for our hangovers for years….which now has been proven to be way worse for your liver than all those Pucker Sour Apple shooters.
It’s a cruel world, fiends. Repent.