DREGULATOR, 2006 VOL. V #11

Well, it’s all over. They’re not even bothering not to look greedy anymore, they’re just looting with something like Christmas fever, straight from the store windows, blowing kisses at the camera with arms full of free TVs. I mean, the heads aren’t exactly rolling down K Street at this point – in fact, I think I’m the sole proponent of this conspiracy theory, so far….but how hard is it to connect the dots between BIG TELECOMS OINKING OUT YOUR PERSONAL AMERICAN PHONE RECORDS TO BEADY-EYED INTELLIGENCE GHOULS and BIG TELECOMS SUDDENLY ON VERGE OF CONGRESS GRANTING IT THE ABILITY TO MILK THE ENTIRE INTERNET LIKE IT’S THEIR OWN PERSONAL LACTATING SLAVE-HOOKER?
Huh?
I mean, you can see Verizon and them, etc., noble phone corporations that they are, jumping out of the bag all patriotic at first. Why! What mean you sir by this outrage! Harrumph! Betray our FAMILY of loyal American customers? Nay, sir! We shall not and we shan’t consider it and for SHAME….and etc.
And then…..
(Whisper whisper whisper, sound of greasy paper bag being crunkled.)
(Tinselly sonic dog-whistle sound of shock and awe revelations dawning.)
We….you mean….you’re saying….we….we could own THAT? THOSE? THEM?
We could….actually…. CHARGE MONEY for….TH-TH- THE….EVERYTHING?
(Dull, glazy-eyed silence as Telecom grows dazzling, brick-hard erection for Free Market.)
Humma humma, (collar loosening) well, TERRORISM being the incredibly serious THREAT that it is, and er,uh, yes, of course, Mr. Beelzebub, Sir, you can have all those millions and millions of little tiny phone records in the interest of National Security, so that ye may protect our wives and daughters from murderous jihadist swine. And….God BLESS you, sir.
(Climax in Dockers and Sans-A-Belts, boardrooms nationwide.)
Sickening, I tell you. Nearly as bad as the sight of today’s CNN broadcasting – as actual, hard-hitting, fast-breaking news, mind you – breathy, slavering anticipation of “American Idol” — replete with polls and pundits and discussions and etc. Because a larger number of people voted for Taylor Hicks than they did for Al Gore when he ran for President.
Therefore, we have the television, I mean the President, that we deserve.
If you were reading The NewStandard instead of watching American Idol, you’d have read this hair-raising wad of staff reportage (which has a wisely anonymous byline since the Patriot Act is now being used – not just against Innnocent Americans — but also against mainstream journalists, in order to root out their leak sources, via phone and cell-phone records….I just called to say I love you, Mary McCarthy…oops…. )
“Telecom giant Verizon is refusing to confirm or deny participation in the illegal National Security Agency (NSA) wiretapping program…The company further claimed such information is protected by the ‘state-secrets privilege.’”
Oooooh! I LIKE that. State secrets! That sound too important for the likes of YOU, childlike American public. You can’t eat that information, honey, it’s too spicy. Eat this nice hypo-allergenic Carrie Underwood chew-toy. Mmmmm. It squeaks!
What is the “state-secrets privilege,” you may well ask?
“The state-secrets privilege allows the government to invoke a national-security risk to avoid disclosing documents. In April, the Department of Justice said the Bush administration intends to use that privilege to intervene in a class-action lawsuit against AT&T in California regarding wiretapping.”
Oh that is SO COOL.
Daddy, I want a State Secrets Privilege, NOW. Or I shall scream.
Yes, Verizon, Darling, Daddy will buy you one immediately.
The NewStandard goes on:
‘We were surprised to see Verizon make the state-secrets argument because only the government, not private entities, can assert that privilege,’ Shenna Bellows, executive director of the Maine Civil Liberties Union, said in a press statement. ‘Use of the state-secrets argument indicates that Verizon lawyers may have worked closely with federal government lawyers in drafting a response to the commission.’”
Ah! The snake swallows its own tail, and ring-around-the-Rose-Garden.
On a vengeful note, the Globe cover claims an impending “BUSH MARRIAGE BREAKUP!” citing “NASTY FIGHTS” and “BOOZE PROBLEMS.”
But really, Fiends, who could blame Miss Laura. 64% of the rest of us want to break up with him, too.
I say we use the same strategy on the NSA that George Clooney was suggesting celebrities use to stop Gawker Stalker: if every American started randomly prank-calling any number in any phone book from Korea, Pakistan, Darfur, Indonesia, Iraq, Venezuela…or any number of dozens of other wobbly little countries….then they’d be so swamped mining scads of worthless information, they could never find out where we’re scoring our medical marijuana and/or obtaining our heedless, cosmetic thrill-abortions. Just a thought.