2006 Dregulator Year-End Roundup

Well, Fiends, it was a major year for the Dregs of the Yellow Press: A virtual yellow brick load, the droppings of which we followed from Xanax to Xenu to Xenophobia….and a host of other power vacuums both foreign and personal.
Having things Emboldened was very trendy this year —
The Neo-Cons emboldened Petro-Authoritarianism, Islamo-Facism emboldened Haliburton, the Telecomopolies emboldened the NSA to do warantless surveillance….
….and Paris emboldened Britney!
The Most Dregsational Celebrity Supervirus Award goes to Paris Hilton for once again proving that she is Hollywood’s hottest and most infectious disease – a veritable behavioral Bird Flu, leaving her victims emaciated, dehydrated, disoriented, and immune to even the most powerful pantybiotics. Congratulations, Paris, and we are happy to present you with this valuable prize: the Entire World, to regard as your personal whipping-underclass.
We must praise Allah for the Globe, 2006’s Most Dregsational Tabloid. The Globe was the only rag insouciant enough to break the ‘Bush is Drunk’ story…and the ‘Bush is Cheating With Condi’ story….and the ‘Laura Wants A Divorce’ story…
Their White House leak was a yearlong golden shower, and we pray it never gets fixed!
Whitney stopped cracking and whipped Bobby. Britney exed her Fed…and the American People divorced Mr. Cheney!
Hey, it was JonBenet fever again! JonBenet’s murder was totally not solved! Whee! 2006 marked a big comeback for America’s favorite dead oversexed toddler. Major TV news networks devoted anywhere from 7 to 15 times more coverage to re-murdering JonBenet than they did to the Supreme Court ruling against the NSA for illegally wiretapping us, and….. Lo and behold, outrage over our civil liberties was softly ADD’d away into that little pink satin coffin.
R.I.P., little Freedom.
Anyway, Brand-gelina spawned a Shiloh Nouvel line, which ought to compliment their bestselling Maddox and Zahara wartorn orphan collection… (even Madonna got one!)
The Dregulator, in an effort to Get The Look for Less and be trendy without top-dollar orphans, introduced its adorable-yet-controversial new insult-comic mascot: Theo! The Theocratic Neo-Conservative Politico-Economist Insult-Comic Kinkajou.
Woof. Kill Mesicans. Woof.
The Most Dregsationally New Hollywood Attention Getting Devices are official…. Congrats to The Racist Meltdown and The Strategic Hunger Strike, which were veritable Viagras for careers too limp to be of interest otherwise.
Teen girls everywhere were shown that even if they are utterly talentless, they can still captivate all the attention they want through willful and sustained anorexia!….it’s positively rampant among today’s sub-size-0 starlets, yet oddly….none of them have it. What was somewhat confusing about this…. is the fact that all of them have it. But never mind.
Just look at the astonishing, crazy success of 82-pound hunger artist Nicole Richie, whose career, as recently as 2005, was limited to being the dark little velvet cushion which was placed underneath Paris Hilton in order to enhance the cheap diamond of the latter’s unnatural beauty.
Now, nearly 40 pounds lighter – the world can’t stop watching her. You’ve got all our attention, Ms. Richie….it’s working.
Likewise riding the negative attention bronco to infamo-ubiquity was Ex-Seinfeld star Michael Richards, (aka the Comic Actor Formerly Known As “Who?”) until he suddenly went all Selma Alabama and firehosed Macaca all over some “Afro-American” hecklers…..It worked just as well for Mel “Kentucky Sour Mashin’ of The Christ” Gibson, when he got a Zyklon B in his bonnet in front of the Chosen Cops of Melibu…..
And O.J. Simpson killed again – this time, it was Judith Regan’s career….but seriously, wasn’t Kato Kaelin enough of a living object lesson to show what happens to people who jump on that couch?
But, as they say: publishers who forget history are doomed to reprint it.
The most Dregsational Prescription Drug of the Year Award went to Ambien, the slumber-party in a bottle, which gave us swell new activities like “sleepdriving,” “sleepeating,” and “sleepworking” — inspiring The Dregulator to pitch a new Ambien-inspired video game: GRAND THEFT AUTO: SONAMBULANCE DRIVER.
Sadly, it wasn’t catching. Oh, ‘blivion!
The Dregulator’s Sexiest M.F. Alive for 2006 went to MSNBC news anchor Keith Olbermann, who is Edward R. Murrow, Voltaire, Camus , Dan Ackroyd and Hawaii-5-0 era Jack Lord, all rolled up into one big succulent H.L. Mencken. Olbermann still hasn’t picked up his award, which included a candlelight round of butterscotch Twister, but there is still time.
Katie Holmes went under the veil to sate to the fundamentalist “Cruise Control” of the Tomiban….
And speaking of veils, Michael Jackson, according to the Enquirer, supposedly changed his name….to Muhammad. Yes, I said Muhammad.
“Michael feels Islam is the answer to all of his problems,” revealed an insider, at the time, who spoke of Michael’s “conversion.”
With any luck, he will change the names of his children, Prince Michael Jackson I and Prince Michael Jackson II, to Prophet Muhammed II and Prophet Muhammed III.
On the bright side, at least Jacko’s daughter, Paris, is already trained to live under a veil, unlike the other Paris, who, at this rate, will probably never see the underside of a veil….unless she gets paid $200,000 to show up at an execution, or starts hanging out under brides.
Still, we must pray that in 2007 Michael Jackson doesn’t strap on a whole lot of explosive, Goth-Western C4 belts and drive his tricycle into the American Embassy in Bahrain. After all, that’s one terrorist America could never claim it didn’t breed.
Eternal War for Eternal Peace on Earth, my fiends.
“L.Ron bless us…..L. Ron bless, us, every one!” says Tiny Tom.
And Trash and Implants for all.